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  1. #1
    Foolish Member Train's Avatar
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    Untitled Ch.2?

    Yo.
    This is the second chapter, here's a link to the first:
    http://www.narutobase.net/forums/showthread.php?t=84323

    Notes Before Reading: I feel like this chapter is more boring compared to the first...I know I skipped something really epic (you'll see what I mean), but I realized my focus isn't really on the combat, but more on emotion. Still, that might change, if I were to keep writing/continuing...
    The setting is in a sort of deserted, rocky place, no plants/greenery, there's patches of black flames (ameterasu) around...not a special place...I tried to describe it in the chapter, but I couldn't really find a good spot to describe it nicely...

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    Chapter 2: True Strength

    Had it not been filled with a powerful dose of hatred, and built with a hot, passionate anger, it would have been beautiful.
    Instead, it was terrifying.
    It was a dark knight, cloaked in a fiery red aura, and clothed in thick menacing armour. It was a giant phantom, holding its crossbow at the ready, standing upon an enormous rock; making Naruto Uzumaki feel like an ant. Still cloaked in his yellow form, Naruto was kneeling on the rocky ground across from the knight, catching his breath. There was a deep gash in his shoulder, and a slash across the side of his face, both of which were bleeding a lot. He was starting to feel exhausted, but he looked carefully at the knight. It’s crossbow was aimed at him. He shivered.
    I don't want to be hit by that again, he thought. It hurts.
    He looked farther, deep within the phantom.
    And there stood his enemy.
    No, it was his friend.
    Sasuke Uchiha stood proudly within his knight. His clothes were ripped, his arms were bruised, and there were cuts across his exposed chest. But he smirked at Naruto, and let out a cold, high-pitched laugh.
    “You see, Naruto?!” He shouted. “You were never my equal!! You are weak. As long as you are naïve, your powers will always have a limit!”
    His smile became wider. “Your even bowing to my power!”
    Slowly, clenching his fists, Naruto stood up. He looked into Sasuke’s eyes. They were different from before. Each eyeball still had a star-like shape, but this time, there was a faded, swirling pattern behind each star.
    A swirling pattern like Itachi’s eyes, Naruto thought, surprised.
    “Sasuke!” He yelled. “Admit it. You're exhausted as I am. And you're wrong. As long as I fight for others, my strength will be limitless. I've grown much stronger, since our last encounter.”
    And with that, his yellow form began to flare, and he stuck out a finger. A mini rasen-shuriken appeared at its tip. The knight reacted to the threat, tightening its grip on the crossbow. Aiming. And waiting.
    “Heh!” Sasuke sneered. “You call that strength?! Your powers aren't even your own. I can see it, Naruto. You leech strength off of the ugly beast within you.”
    “And what about you?!” Naruto retaliated. “Those eyes aren't even yours, they're Itachi’s!”
    Sasuke’s eyes widened with shock. I was right, thought Naruto. And he continued.
    “The old Sasuke I knew never relied on another person’s strength in his battles! He never took credit for things that weren’t his! The Sasuke I knew constantly trained himself-“
    “Shut up!” Sasuke’s face was contorted with rage. Naruto closed his mouth, and his mini rasen-shuriken dissipated.
    They glared at one another in the eye. There was a heavy silence, only broken by the wind that brushed against them, and the patches of black flames that crackled upon the bare earth.
    Naruto made his decision.
    “Fight me with your own strength, and I'll fight you with mine. Fight me without using those eyes, and I'll fight you without using the Kyuubi’s chakra. Our strength will still be equal.” And he stared back at Sasuke, waiting for a reply.
    Sasuke closed his eyes, and cracked a smile. So much like the old Sasuke’s smile! Naruto thought.
    “Fine.” Sasuke said coolly. The knight vanished into thin air, and Sasuke opened his eyes; they were now dark black. “Fine.”
    Naruto smiled. He released himself from his yellow form, and cut himself off from the Kyuubi’s chakra. He felt even more exhausted.
    “Naruto.” Sasuke called. “I'll kill you even with the barest skill of my powers. I won't need to rely on anything higher or powerful to kill you.” And with that, blue and white strikes of lightening appeared and began to flicker on his right hand and arm, making a loud chirping sound.
    “Kage bunshin no jutsu!” Naruto muttered. Two clones appeared. Naruto stretched out his hand, palm facing upwards, as the two clones formed a rasengan. It felt heavy in his hands.
    “Your wrong, Sasuke. We're both going to die. Here and now!”
    You're wrong!!” Sasuke hissed, jumping from the rock, and began to run towards Naruto.
    The clones vanished in smoke, and Naruto, holding his rasengan, began to run towards Sasuke.
    So this is it, He thought. Sakura-chan, I promised I would come back. And I will. In spirit. After I die, my spirit will never leave you alone, ever again!! A tear streaked down his face.
    Iruka-sensei, Kakashi-sensei, Konohamaru, Konoha...this is good-bye.
    He was running closer and closer to Sasuke...Sasuke’s figure was becoming bigger, and bigger...
    So Death is nearing. I'm glad you're coming with me, Sasuke.
    All of a sudden, in a blur of motion, it was no longer Sasuke he was running towards, but another person, with their arms outstretched. The person's back was towards him, but he could see vivid pink hair flowing at their head. She was screaming something, but he couldn’t hear.
    He shut his eyes.
    Shit!! I can't stop!!

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    Chapter 3:http://www.narutobase.net/forums/showthread.php?t=86521
    And?
    Question: Does Naruto ever call Konohamaru, Konohamaru-chan? I wasn't sure...also, I wanted to make Naruto swear at the end, but I don't think he has a foul mouth...
     
         
    Last edited by Train; 07-24-2011 at 02:06 PM.

  2. #2
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    Re: Untitled Ch.2?

    Good second chapter, well written. For your questions I don't think honorifics really count and the "chan" from what I know is generally used toward females informally however I guess it could be used for guys I've heard it before. Usually "kun" is given to males younger then ones self (also informal in most cases with the exception of teachers to students), used by teachers towards their students (male or female), used by females towards guys they have a romantic interest in or in general toward close friends (generally male), "sama" is used for Lords, "Dono" same as sama but generally considered a higher honor then sama. "Senpai" ususally means a senior to one's self, like a respected senior but not a sensei (Incase you needed all of those). As for Naruto having a foul mouth in an FF anything goes but I remember him going as far as Shit so Idk. Everybody swares once in a while it's the emotion you're trying to display at one point in time. If Naruto doesn't generally sware it's okay if he does go off the deep end he's feeling more intense. However you're trying to portray Naruto's feelings at the time, sometimes uncharacteristic behavior is appropriate to portray how one is feeling more intense.
     
         
    Last edited by Reborn; 07-17-2011 at 05:22 PM.

  3. #3
    Foolish Member Train's Avatar
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    Re: Untitled Ch.2?

    Quote Originally Posted by Reborn View Post
    Good second chapter, well written. For your questions I don't think honorifics really count and the "chan" from what I know is generally used toward females informally however I guess it could be used for guys I've heard it before. Usually "kun" is given to males younger then ones self (also informal in most cases with the exception of teachers to students), used by teachers towards their students (male or female), used by females towards guys they have a romantic interest in or in general toward close friends (generally male), "sama" is used for Lords, "Dono" same as sama but generally considered a higher honor then sama. "Senpai" ususally means a senior to one's self, like a respected senior but not a sensei (Incase you needed all of those). As for Naruto having a foul mouth in an FF anything goes but I remember him going as far as Shit so Idk. Everybody swares once in a while it's the emotion you're trying to display at one point in time. If Naruto doesn't generally sware it's okay if he does go off the deep end he's feeling more intense. However you're trying to portray Naruto's feelings at the time, sometimes uncharacteristic behavior is appropriate to portray how one is feeling more intense.
    Thanks, that cleared some confusion, I've had trouble specially with 'dono' and 'chan', and I guess I didn't know everything about 'kun' >___< "

    I've always thought 'chan' was for females in general, but it could be for little kids too (so little boys, even.) Pretty sure I've heard it for a boy before. But I don't think I need to add it for Konohamaru.
    I know it's an FF, and anything goes, but I want to make the characters sound like themselves as much as possible...in my experience of reading FF's (not on this site), if the character in the FF has a different personality, or they don't act like how they usually would (like, in the actual story) I feel slightly put off, and don't really want to read anymore...
    Anyways, I changed the last sentence, but it still doesn't look right/like Naruto (to me). But, "Damn it" sounds horrible...
    >__> "
     
         

  4. #4
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    Re: Untitled Ch.2?

    Quote Originally Posted by Train View Post
    Thanks, that cleared some confusion, I've had trouble specially with 'dono' and 'chan', and I guess I didn't know everything about 'kun' >___< "

    I've always thought 'chan' was for females in general, but it could be for little kids too (so little boys, even.) Pretty sure I've heard it for a boy before. But I don't think I need to add it for Konohamaru.
    I know it's an FF, and anything goes, but I want to make the characters sound like themselves as much as possible...in my experience of reading FF's (not on this site), if the character in the FF has a different personality, or they don't act like how they usually would (like, in the actual story) I feel slightly put off, and don't really want to read anymore...
    Anyways, I changed the last sentence, but it still doesn't look right/like Naruto (to me). But, "Damn it" sounds horrible...
    >__> "
    However if he's feeling very intensly about something uncharacteristic like behavior would show it more, not to the extreme but simple things like replacing one word or isn't pushing it too far so that's alright. Either way it was fine even if you didn't change damn, to shit. I'm sure either way the people reading got the message. So long as the uncharacteristic behavior isn't a constent in the story's plot and you keep it within the setting of whatever situation is making the character act a certian way it won't put off the story, if anything it'll give it a more real and understandable appearance and make it more attractive to readers, that's what I've noticed from reading my share of manga, comics and other stories. However what you have going here is very good worth of a pat on the shoulder, good job
     
         

  5. #5
    Foolish Member Train's Avatar
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    Re: Untitled Ch.2?

    Quote Originally Posted by Reborn View Post
    However if he's feeling very intensly about something uncharacteristic like behavior would show it more, not to the extreme but simple things like replacing one word or isn't pushing it too far so that's alright. Either way it was fine even if you didn't change damn, to shit. I'm sure either way the people reading got the message. So long as the uncharacteristic behavior isn't a constent in the story's plot and you keep it within the setting of whatever situation is making the character act a certian way it won't put off the story, if anything it'll give it a more real and understandable appearance and make it more attractive to readers, that's what I've noticed from reading my share of manga, comics and other stories. However what you have going here is very good worth of a pat on the shoulder, good job
    Alright, I'll keep that in mind...thanks...
    Any ideas for what I should call this fic o___o ?
    lol, I know I'm the author, but my ideas for a title have been pretty lame...
     
         

  6. #6
    is carbon based. Ira's Avatar
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    Re: Untitled Ch.2?

    Yay link for the next and previous chapters!!. thanks. It made it easier to track.
     
         

  7. #7
    Foolish Member Train's Avatar
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    Re: Untitled Ch.2?

    Quote Originally Posted by isthatnecessary View Post
    Yay link for the next and previous chapters!!. thanks. It made it easier to track.
    Yeah, I felt it might've been easier that way
    I won't be able to add a link to the 4th on the 3rd chapter though, I can't edit it anymore...unless I add a new post >__> "
     
         

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