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  1. #1
    Writing time~ Netsui's Avatar
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    Forget To Remember Chapter 2

    Chapter 2 is finally here! ^^ Chapter 3 has been started, and will soon be done. Please comment, and point out any mistakes that I may have made.

    Previous Chapter:
    Chapter 1

    Chapter 2

    She was surrounded by darkness, with the exception of three white outlines of something, or someone. “Where am I?”

    She walked toward the figures, and she couldn't help the thought that came to her: she was dead. Aki was probably devastated, but there was nothing she could do. She couldn't leave him a message, or tell him her feelings. 'I couldn't remember my past after all. I wanted to remember before I died.'

    As she walked toward the figures they started to vanish. She stopped, and then they were gone. Why was she always alone? Why did everyone judge her?

    She couldn't help the scream that escaped out of her mouth. She was terrified of loneliness; she has been since she first woke up in the village. “I don't want to be alone. Aki, I wish you were here. However, you have to live. Live a long life for me.”

    The darkness started to fade, and the village was reappearing in front of her. She had no words to describe what happened, but she was back in the village. The sun greeted her as it appeared from behind the clouds.

    “Frey!” Aki cried as he hugged her. “You're alive!”

    She saw the tears rolling down his face, then she felt pain throughout her body, mainly her heart. Aki really would have been devastated if she died. It seemed like he needed her as much as she needed him. “Aki...”

    “I was afraid that you died! If you died I wouldn't have been able to forgive myself. I thought I was too late to save you, and that I should have reacted sooner,” he whimpered as he tried to stop his tears.

    “Don't be silly, Aki. You saved me,” she whispered softly.

    “I will protect you. I promise that I'll protect you from any demon!” he exclaimed with anger that he tried to hide, but failed.

    ***

    “Wait up, Aki!” Frey called as she was chasing Aki. It was difficult to stop him when he was chasing a demon.

    “I can't stop until I kill the demon!” he exclaimed.

    “Don't chase him. It's most likely a trap!” she explained. “The wound you gave him with your sword was pretty deep. He should die from loss of blood. If he's trying to lead us to a nest of demons, then there's no way we would survive.” Even though she told Aki many times not to kill demons.

    Aki stopped, and then sheathed his sword. She still couldn't believe that eleven years has passed since her near death experience. Aki spent six years training to become a demon slayer. He wore a black jacket with blue jeans, and his hair hasn't changed a bit since he was a kid. She trained with him as well, but she wanted to bring peace like their ancestors. She no longer wore her T-shirt and shorts, instead she wore a white jacket with purple jeans. Her short hair has grown to the point where it reached her waist. She carried a bow n arrow with her at all times, since the chance of her having to use it was high. After those six years, they left the village to travel the world. She wanted to learn more about demons, even if it was just a little bit. She believed that knowledge would lead to the peace she desired. She wished Kina could have joined her, but Aki would have killed Kina. She still remembered the day they parted from each other.

    It was a rainy day, and she was hiding Kina under her shirt as she was heading into the forest. When she reached an area where she thought they were alone, she placed Kina on the floor. Kina was looking at her with a confused expression, and she couldn't help the tears that emerged from her eyes. “I'm sorry, Kina. It's time for me to leave the village. If you stay there I fear that they would find you, and kill you. I believe that we'll see each other again, but until then, farewell.” She instantly ran off, trying to erase the sadness that was in her heart.

    She felt the wind as it blew in a different direction, and she looked at the direction it was going toward.

    “That way?” Aki asked.

    She nodded. She couldn't explain it, but the wind felt like it was sacred. Whenever they followed the wind it took them to the next part in their journey. Sometimes it lead them to a demon, but demons were a part of their journey. Aki couldn't feel it like she could, but he trusted her.

    They followed the direction of the wind until they were forced to stop. The wind lead them to a group of demons, and there was a human sitting behind them in a tree. She looked at Aki, and he already had his sword unsheathed.

    Author's Note:
    There is a longer space between one of the paragraphs on purpose. It's to signify the time skip, just in case no one would notice it. I enjoyed this chapter as well, but I have a feeling I'll enjoy Chapter 3 more.
     
         
    Last edited by Netsui; 11-03-2012 at 02:44 PM.

  2. #2
    King Cobra's Avatar
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    Re: Forget to Remember Chapter 2

    Cobra has stricken!!!

    Off to read

    Edit: Pretty good chapter Metsui also for the time skip you could've done the *** just center them but it was overall a good chapter
     
         
    Last edited by King Cobra; 11-03-2012 at 02:34 PM.

  3. #3
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    Re: Forget to Remember Chapter 2

    Just read the first and second chapter. I enjoyed it!! :D


    Few things though:

    I don't get how your characters look. I just cannot visualize them atm.
    Aki - Yellow Eyes, Blue hair, black jacket, blue pants

    Kana - Blue cat, green eyes
    *Anything unique besides the color of the demon cat? That will come as time passes though, I guess.

    Frey - Dark Purple long hair, White jacket, Purple Jeans

    Question?
    Aki stopped, and then sheathed his sword. She still couldn't believe that eleven years has passed since her near death experience. Aki spent six years training to become a demon slayer. He wore a black jacket with blue jeans, and his hair hasn't changed a bit since he was a kid. She trained with him as well, but she wanted to bring peace like their ancestors.
    Ancestors? I thought she couldn't remember her past.

    Setting
    Seems like we're in a InuYasha type world. That's how I picture the setting, since there seem to be no logical reason atm for while demons are in the world of humans. Plus, there is villages.


    The chapter is solid, cliche, but very solid. Both Chapters. Very awesome, keep it up.

    If you wanna know why I said cliche, I'll tell you.
     
         
    Last edited by Solo; 11-03-2012 at 02:36 PM.

  4. #4
    Writing time~ Netsui's Avatar
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    Re: Forget to Remember Chapter 2

    Quote Originally Posted by Solo View Post
    Just read the first and second chapter. I enjoyed it!! :D


    Few things though:

    I don't get how your characters look. I just cannot visualize them atm.
    Aki - Yellow Eyes, Blue hair, black jacket, blue pants

    Kana - Blue cat, green eyes
    *Anything unique besides the color of the demon cat? That will come as time passes though, I guess.

    Frey - Dark Purple long hair, White jacket, Purple Jeans

    Question?

    Ancestors? I thought she couldn't remember her past.

    Setting
    Seems like we're in a InuYasha type world. That's how I picture the setting, since there seem to be no logical reason atm for while demons are in the world of humans. Plus, there is villages.


    The chapter is solid, cliche, but very solid. Both Chapters. Very awesome, keep it up.

    If you wanna know why I said cliche, I'll tell you.
    She doesn't remember her past, but the Chief mentioned their ancestors if I remember correctly in Chapter 1. Since they stopped the demons from attacking the village, she wants to achieve that as well. That's what she calls peace. Thanks for giving me your review, and I'll try to improve on everything. ^^

    Yeah, descriptions aren't my strong point... I'll have to improve on those. xD

    Oh, and Chapter 3 is done. Not as good as I hoped, but it's done... I don't think my twp character descriptions in there is better, but it might be.
     
         
    Last edited by Netsui; 11-03-2012 at 03:01 PM.

  5. #5
    Reborn's Avatar
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    Re: Forget to Remember Chapter 2

    Same as what I said in chapter 1 with a slight addition that I noticed in both chapters.

    You need better transitions between ideas here, like when you were talking about Kina. You're transitons are supposed to be smoother than they are, everything is supposed to lead into one another in a nice flow.

    I felt like this chapter was a little rushed in all honesty, I felt like you were trying to advance the plot a little fast and the chapter in it's entirty in order to get them out there for the contest thread. Before even writing a chapter you need to contemplate and vision what it's supposed to be about and then let it flow on the paper. Don''t try to rush the idea, let the idea come to you and connect the pieces so they fix themselves in a coherent fashion to have the right balance. Everything in terms of writing should just flow naturally after that.
     
         

  6. #6
    Rikudo Sennin ~Uzumaki~'s Avatar
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    Re: Forget to Remember Chapter 2

    I promised I'd read and comment. This has an InuYasha feel to it except for the jeans which didn't exist in times of huts and villages. Frey and Aki the demon slayers, cool.

    I'm gonna actually try to critique.

    -kinda short though I do that sometimes when I'm lazy .
    -Using *** to denote the timeskip was confusing though I do have a similar problem with transition
    -

    That's it. Good work Netsui.
     
         

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