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  1. #1
    Senior Member Gutsy Jiraiya's Avatar
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    Zenadus - The Lion Clan -

    Clandestine is the background of this FF, I have based it off their new project and I turned it into an FF.

    Zenadus
    - The Lion Clan -

    It is a sunny day in the garden of the Lion Clan, the spring has just begun, the clans banners waving in the wind and the flowers and the trees have just begun to flourish. While a gentle breeze is blowing through the trees gathering the leaves sending them across the garden to the two young warriors of the clan, standing in the center of the garden honing their skills in practice.

    Master: “She is young… but I have to keep pushing her…”

    Jake the young warrior who used to live on the streets, was taken in by the master of the clan, and because of his different skin color and attitude, he was treated differently than the others. The head of the clan saw him as an equal, and began to help him onto the right path of his life. While the young Abbey, the clan leader’s young daughter, was standing next to him, receiving training while her master was standing in the background under a few Banyan trees, watching them going through several martial arts combinations, also using the clans special ability to send out waves of energy through their palms.

    Master: “Her soul is strong... but she lacks the experience... our clan is not safe, my children are not safe… not until she can stand strong…”

    The master approached the two warriors from behind the trees walking slowly up to them while his hair was blowing in the wind and his black rope was strapped tightly around his waist, his feet touching the ground, feeling the grass between his toes as he walked up to them he began to speak to Abbey.

    Master: “Enough!!!”

    He looked at her before continuing speaking in a calm and collected voice, with his eyes fixed on hers, with his arms down his side and Jake standing by, waiting for the master to step aside so they could continue their training.

    Master: “Have you ever had to fight for your life before…”

    Abbey looked into the ground with her beautiful misty blue eyes hesitating to answer her master, before looking up with a determined face, looking into his eyes as she responded to his question.

    Abbey: “Yes…”

    Her master looked at her before looking around the garden thinking to himself about her answer, then looking Jake into the eyes, while slowly stepping back giving them some space before answering her.

    Master: “Show me…”

    He signaled Jake to proceed with an offensive to test Abbey’s skills. Jake responded to his signal by dashing towards Abbey thrusting his left palm towards her, though she easily used her right hand palm to push his left arm right past her shoulder while grabbing his arm twisting it back towards him while using her left leg to swipe his right foot away under him. Jake landed a few feet away from her on one knee before he quickly stood up again.

    Again Jake quickly dashed towards her first sending a punch towards her throat, as she block his strike with her open palm sending his arm back towards himself easily countering his move, as Jake quickly responded by Sending his right leg up towards her cheek, and Abbey quickly put up her elbow blocking his powerful strike before she continued her punch towards his face. Jake quickly duck down under her punch before getting back up sending a punch straight to her chest followed by a strong punch to her right kidney, then a punch to her stomach, before pulling her head down sending two quick kicks straight to her face, sending her into the ground.

    When Abbey hit the ground, Jake began walking away from the field, but before he could leave, their master spoke to him, as Jake turned around facing him.

    Master: “Jake… who said you were done…”

    Abbey looked up at Jake while slowly getting back up, as Jake ran towards her full of rage, and before Jake could throw a punch she quickly delivered a powerful knee straight to Jake’s nuts, continuing with grabbing Jake around his throat with both arms, jumping up sending both knee’s towards his chest, while Jake quickly put both hands down blocking her knees and before she could get a foothold, he sends a quick left jab towards her. Abbey quickly responds by sending up her left arm first blocking his jab, while she quickly grabs his arm pushing it down, while using her other arm to throw a punch straight to his face while then sending her arm down smashing her elbow into his stomach, finishing off with an elbow right to the back of Jake’s head, sending him away.

    Just as Abbey though she had won, she heard several footsteps in the grass, and just as she turned around she barely had the time to grab Jake’s right hand, before sending her left hand right towards his face, stopping it in front of him both of their hands empowered with pure energy. Abbey quickly finished the fight by sending a quick blow to Jakes right kidney, followed by a kick to his left leg sending him out of balance before sending an open palm empowered with pure energy towards his face, which was intercepted by his open palm and closed in, she quickly delivered a kiss to her own hand greatly empowering her palm, sending Jake smashing into the ground.

    Master: “Jake… get up…”

    Jake quickly stepped back behind the master looking at him in confusion, while their master had his eyes fixed straight at Abbey, who were proud to have defeated Jake, yet she looked somewhat confused and sad as she looked at her master. He looked at her with a serious face as he spoke to her.

    Master: “I said show me…”

    Abbey was completely enraged, as he said those words to her, she had just defeated one of the best fighters, and he just said she wasn’t good enough right before her own eyes. She got so enraged she send a fist towards his chest which he easily blocked with a simple open palm smash sending her fist down and away, and as she continued sending another blow towards his face, he quickly used his other hand to easily grab her wrist, followed by a straight punch right to her chin, sending her fumbling backwards trying to focus. She tried to get back up and send a straight kick towards his lower stomach, he easily blocked this one too by holding both arms crossed down between his legs, she continued by sending an open palm from the side intended for his face, which was smashed away as he first delivered a punch to her shoulder followed by slapping her right in the face.

    Abbey: “ARGH!!!”

    Jake: “Common Abbey!!!”

    She was completely out of it as she tried to go for a punch straight to his chest once again which he easily block weaving her arm away while smashing his fist into her lower stomach, followed by a strong uppercut right to her chin, finishing off with a powerful round house kick sending her down into the grass.
    Abbey quickly got up and as she continued her attack all seemed like it had no effect on her master, and she began to change her attacks, using the clans special ability sending powerful energy blasts towards her master, which he continued to dodge every single attack, and as she tried to blast in with the energy he countered easily with an equal amount before grabbing both of her hands pushing her into the ground.

    Her master just looked at her very surprised as she had begun to fight stronger using her intelligence and using the clans abilities to get closer, and though she did not notice, if she had just made a slightly different move than what she did, she would have defeated her own master, and so he left the garden with a lot on his mind while both Jake and Abbey looked at each other with a smile.

    Jake: “Well done Abbey…”

    Abbey: “Thanks… but my master doesn’t seem amazed…”

    Jake: “Abbey… he is just our master he is supposed to seem like a person who keeps testing us while not caring for us at all….”

    Abbey: “I guess you might be right… shall we continue…”

    Jake: “Yes…”

    They looked at each other as the wind had settled and they continued their training, honing their skills while their master was now walking through the door into the clan’s council, wishing to speak to them in private with a single concern on his mind.

    __________________________________
    Turned into an FF by Gutsy Jiraiya

    Please leave a comment & critisism

    Inspiration: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pae0T1dNuOA
     
         
    Last edited by Gutsy Jiraiya; 08-16-2012 at 07:02 PM.

  2. #2
    The Devil's Advocate Shinobi Train's Avatar
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    Re: Zenadus - The Lion Clan -

    There's some repetitive words, also some tense issues (especially in the beginning). I'm not real excited about the centering style either; makes it harder for me to read, not sure about others though. Never been a big fan of this type of conversation style, although you did put in lots of descriptive paragraphs so that helps a ton. My biggest complaint about this style is that people usually don't add enough description. However, I'll always be fond of the traditional book form:

    "Yes, indeed it is." John said as he took a sip of his tea.

    The fact that you do have actual paragraphs goes a long way though; they seem so absent in most FFs. It developed nicely, showing the goal for this chapter and such, also it built the characters to some degree. Mainly the master and showing how he deals with his students. There's some grammar issues, so I always like to recommend grammar/spell checkers, they help a lot, but don't always trust them, they can miss a lot of stuff. There's also some strange sentences here and there, but I think that they're do to the grammar thing which is why I mentioned it.

    I guess I could go on and point out every little thing and tell you my likes/dislikes, but that won't do you any good. It's best if you work on the general things I've mentioned first and you'll slowly hone your skills.
     
         

  3. #3
    Senior Member Gutsy Jiraiya's Avatar
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    Re: Zenadus - The Lion Clan -

    Quote Originally Posted by Shinobi Train View Post
    There's some repetitive words, also some tense issues (especially in the beginning). I'm not real excited about the centering style either; makes it harder for me to read, not sure about others though. Never been a big fan of this type of conversation style, although you did put in lots of descriptive paragraphs so that helps a ton. My biggest complaint about this style is that people usually don't add enough description. However, I'll always be fond of the traditional book form:

    "Yes, indeed it is." John said as he took a sip of his tea.

    The fact that you do have actual paragraphs goes a long way though; they seem so absent in most FFs. It developed nicely, showing the goal for this chapter and such, also it built the characters to some degree. Mainly the master and showing how he deals with his students. There's some grammar issues, so I always like to recommend grammar/spell checkers, they help a lot, but don't always trust them, they can miss a lot of stuff. There's also some strange sentences here and there, but I think that they're do to the grammar thing which is why I mentioned it.

    I guess I could go on and point out every little thing and tell you my likes/dislikes, but that won't do you any good. It's best if you work on the general things I've mentioned first and you'll slowly hone your skills.
    thanks for the info though we will see about my writting style in this FF... since it is actually my prefered style.... and english is my secondary language so i am not perfect with it... though i am trying really well...

    I could add some more description and all since your correct about it :D and i like paragraphs...

    You also saw my point in this chapter with the master and his students :D.... just wait for next chapter :D it will be out in 2-3 hours....

    Im a fast reader and i have a lot of ideas
     
         
    Last edited by Gutsy Jiraiya; 08-15-2012 at 07:53 PM.

  4. #4
    The Devil's Advocate Shinobi Train's Avatar
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    Re: Zenadus - The Lion Clan -

    Quote Originally Posted by Gutsy Jiraiya View Post
    thanks for the info though we will see about my writting style in this FF... since it is actually my prefered style.... and english is my secondary language so i am not perfect with it... though i am trying really well...

    I could add some more description and all since your correct about it :D and i like paragraphs...

    You also saw my point in this chapter with the master and his students :D.... just wait for next chapter :D it will be out in 2-3 hours....

    Im a fast reader and i have a lot of ideas
    Could have fooled me, I figured English was your native language.
     
         

  5. #5
    Senior Member Gutsy Jiraiya's Avatar
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    Re: Zenadus - The Lion Clan -

    Quote Originally Posted by Shinobi Train View Post
    Could have fooled me, I figured English was your native language.
    You though my native tongue was english I am good wow....
     
         

  6. #6
    Senior Member Chakra Wizard's Avatar
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    Re: Zenadus - The Lion Clan -

    Repetition and lack of apostrophes among other grammar issues are the only problems I see, but it's good, otherwise Well done.
     
         

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    Senior Member Gutsy Jiraiya's Avatar
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    Re: Zenadus - The Lion Clan -

    Quote Originally Posted by chakrawizard555 View Post
    Repetition and lack of apostrophes among other grammar issues are the only problems I see, but it's good, otherwise Well done.
    well as i said before im not perfect, english is not my mother tongue. Secondly i do know i repeated myself a lot at some point but sometimes it is hard to do otherwise....

    also it is hard for me to put in the right apostrophes, commas etc...
     
         

  8. #8
    The Devil's Advocate Shinobi Train's Avatar
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    Re: Zenadus - The Lion Clan -

    Quote Originally Posted by Gutsy Jiraiya View Post
    You though my native tongue was english I am good wow....
    Yep. Of course, usually people who are raised with English can't use it properly if their lives depended on it...public education. So now that I think about it, your English is too good for it to be your first language. :rofl:
     
         

  9. #9
    Senior Member Gutsy Jiraiya's Avatar
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    Re: Zenadus - The Lion Clan -

    Quote Originally Posted by Shinobi Train View Post
    Yep. Of course, usually people who are raised with English can't use it properly if their lives depended on it...public education. So now that I think about it, your English is too good for it to be your first language. :rofl:
    really... I'm better than those who are born to speak and write it???? I'm overwhelmed with joy :overjoy:
     
         

  10. #10
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    Re: Zenadus - The Lion Clan -

    Quote Originally Posted by Gutsy Jiraiya View Post
    really... I'm better than those who are born to speak and write it???? I'm overwhelmed with joy :overjoy:
    Yeah, probably better that 80-90% (or at least in the US). What's your native tongue, if I may ask?
     
         

  11. #11
    Senior Member Gutsy Jiraiya's Avatar
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    Re: Zenadus - The Lion Clan -

    Quote Originally Posted by Shinobi Train View Post
    Yeah, probably better that 80-90% (or at least in the US). What's your native tongue, if I may ask?
    I'm from Denmark and I am part Germany, my native tongue is Danish.

    I speak:
    Danish
    German
    Spanish (Not fluently)
    English
    Chinese (Not fluently)
     
         

  12. #12
    Legendary Sage of Konoha Michael92's Avatar
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    Re: Zenadus - The Lion Clan -

    Did you just write a FF out of this?:



    Except for the names changes and some background story/alteration of the story, it's the same o_O Are you a fan of Thousand Pounds Action Company? As this is a teaser for their upcoming Clandestine project... and this first chapter of yours is just like it...
     
         
    Last edited by Michael92; 08-16-2012 at 12:00 AM.

  13. #13
    Senior Member Gutsy Jiraiya's Avatar
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    Re: Zenadus - The Lion Clan -

    Quote Originally Posted by Michael Westen View Post
    Did you just write a FF out of this?:



    Except for the names changes and some background story/alteration of the story, it's the same o_O Are you a fan of Thousand Pounds Action Company? As this is a teaser for their upcoming Clandestine project... and this first chapter of yours is just like it...
    No im not a fan.. I just saw like the naruto thing though it was cool... easy to see the faults and stuff but no im not a fan....

    go look at my other chapter then...

    Also is it illegal to do such a thing.......
     
         

  14. #14
    Legendary Sage of Konoha Michael92's Avatar
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    Re: Zenadus - The Lion Clan -

    Quote Originally Posted by Gutsy Jiraiya View Post
    No im not a fan.. I just saw like the naruto thing though it was cool... easy to see the faults and stuff but no im not a fan....

    go look at my other chapter then...

    Also is it illegal to do such a thing.......
    As long as you give them credit, you should be fine o__O Otherwise it's on the edge, lol. The fact that it says that this first chapter is created by you is over the top O__T The second chapter is fine though, but with the first chapter, you should have added something like "created by ... with inspiration from *insert teaser*
     
         

  15. #15
    Senior Member Gutsy Jiraiya's Avatar
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    Re: Zenadus - The Lion Clan -

    Quote Originally Posted by Michael Westen View Post
    As long as you give them credit, you should be fine o__O Otherwise it's on the edge, lol. The fact that it says that this first chapter is created by you is over the top O__T The second chapter is fine though, but with the first chapter, you should have added something like "created by ... with inspiration from *insert teaser*
    I can do that.....
     
         

  16. #16
    The Devil's Advocate Shinobi Train's Avatar
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    Re: Zenadus - The Lion Clan -

    Okay, as promised, here's my post.

    I'm taking the best example I saw, and I'll show before and after I edit it, then try my best to explain. I'm just working with sentences here, commas, semicolons and periods. I'll need to change, remove and add a few words here and there though.

    Before:
    "Again Jake quickly dashed towards her first sending a punch towards her throat, as she block his strike with her open palm sending his arm back towards himself easily countering his move, as Jake quickly responded by Sending his right leg up towards her cheek, and Abbey quickly put up her elbow blocking his powerful strike before she continued her punch towards his face."

    After:
    "Again, Jake quickly dashed towards her first, sending a punch towards her throat. As she block his strike with her open palm, she sent his arm back towards himself easily countering his move; Jake quickly responded by sending his right leg up towards her cheek. Abbey quickly put up her elbow up blocking his powerful strike before she continued her punch towards his face."

    Okay, so what was one sentence before, known as a "run-on", I turned into three sentences. Now I'm using some stuff I found on another site, and I'd also highly recommend looking up on google "using commas, semicolons and colons". Here's some of the stuff though:

    Rule: Use a comma between two long, independent clauses when conjunctions such as and, or, but, for, nor connect them.

    Example: I have painted the entire house, but she is still working on sanding the floors.

    Rule: Use the semicolon if you have two independent clauses connected without a conjunction.

    Example: I have painted the house; I still need to sand the floors.

    Notice the difference? A semicolon seperates two sentences almost. "I have painted the house." is a sentence all by itself, and the second part is too. This isn't always the case, but when it's better to have everything all in one sentence, using a semicolon will keep it from being a run-on sentence. You can also have more than one semicolon in a sentence, but that's just a little out of hand I think; better to just end it after the first one.

    I know it still seems super confusing, but like I told you before, practice makes perfect. Also you can study this post and try to see if the placement of things makes sense at all.
     
         

  17. #17
    Legendary Sage of Konoha Michael92's Avatar
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    Re: Zenadus - The Lion Clan -

    Quote Originally Posted by Gutsy Jiraiya View Post
    I can do that.....
    Very good Very good indeed... I'm proud of you young padawan, lol
     
         

  18. #18
    Senior Member Gutsy Jiraiya's Avatar
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    Re: Zenadus - The Lion Clan -

    Quote Originally Posted by Michael Westen View Post
    Very good Very good indeed... I'm proud of you young padawan, lol
    Yay i did something right When is my next lesson
     
         

  19. #19
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    Re: Zenadus - The Lion Clan -

    Quote Originally Posted by Gutsy Jiraiya View Post
    Yay i did something right When is my next lesson
    No need for that .
     
         

  20. #20
    Senior Member Gutsy Jiraiya's Avatar
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    Re: Zenadus - The Lion Clan -

    Quote Originally Posted by Michael Westen View Post
    No need for that .
    Thats cool michael :D well I'm off to some research for our (my) next mission
     
         

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