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  1. #1
    Member Sostrange89's Avatar
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    Is this a good beginning?

    Ok I've started a story and I was wondering is this a good beginning? I'm trying to write my own story with my own characters and I was just wondering does this catch you from the beginning or would you pick it up and put it back down? I'm not going to change anything in it because its my story, but as a writer I do want people's opinion on the matter.

    Two men jump at each other, their blades thrusted towards one another. As the blood red blade enshrouded with fires clashes with the gold sabre surrounded by a bright white aura. A woman's voice yells, "STOP!!" from beyond the caves's darkness echo's into the cavern of the two fighters. A tall muscular furry man with silver eyes and sharp fangs and claws with blood dripping from both looks directly at his oponent and with a grins says
    "Well, you've finally got what you wanted didn't you Ryo? A true fight with Tenshou and myself, but why did it have to be like this? Why couldn't you just stay the person you once were?"
    Ryo says while he smiles and laughs "Hahaha like you didn't want this yourself Ryu? You want to know who's truly better between you and I. We both wondered could these hellish flames of my Teosho burn through that mythical gold of that Tenshou of yours." Ryo then swings his blade sideways throwing a huge line of fire towards the entrance to the cave . As they pass though the cave's opening a scream is heard.
    "Ryo why?!?! They have nothing to do with this!" Ryu yells at Ryo.
    Ryo again laughs. "Oh, you think I still care for you guys? You think I'm still the same sarcastic person that fought along side you guys? Well get it through that very stupid demon mind of yours that I'm not, and this battle will conclude that to you. I don't plan on allowing you to live after this, Ryu. Your blood is going to evaporate into my Teosho making it even stronger. A wolf demon's blood isn't easy to get ahold of now a days. The fact that you're still alive is a miracle in itself, but that won't be for too much longer."
    Ryu then runs towards Ryo pulling his Tenshou back behind his shoulder and swinging forward directly at Ryo firing a beam of light towards his former comrade. Ryo then swings his Teosho at Ryu projecting fire at him. The two attacks cancel each other out, but as they are doing so both warriors jumps towards both of their blades crossing each other's paths again, but this time a mixure of burning dark flames and bright gallant white light collide from the impact of the two blades.



    A man walking down the road hears some screaming, "Help!" The man runs towards the screaming. He ends up at a village. The wood of the buildings are covered in blood, there are brutaly shredded bodies of men and women scattered through the streets of the village. The man reaches the center of the village where he sees a little boy hugging a woman's body.
    "Hey there boy why aren't you running? Is this your mother?" he begins to say, but as he got closer he realizes that the boy isn't crying over the dead of the woman, but he is devouring the remains.
    "What do you want?" The boy asks? As he turns his head the man unsheathes his sword.
    "So you're a demon? A little young to try terrorizing a town protected by the Slayers, aren't you?"
    The boy replies "Slayers? I have no idea what you're talking about? Young I might be, but my 4 years on this planet have taught me I have only myself to rely on for survival. And I didn't come here to terrorize the town, I came here for food and was attacked by these damn people. They all yell at me calling me demon, I never been to a village or a town before but I'm not a demon." The boy begins to cry. "I'm human like you and like these people. I'm not even the one that killed all those people, this woman did and she tried to attack me so I did as my body told me to do and I killed her, but as I stood there my stomache began to growl so I started eating her."
    The other villagers begin coming toward the center of the village caring torches and whatever weapons they could find around. As they got closer one person said "Look we're saved, I believe he's the Slayer that was sent to help us out." The got closer and some of the people began to smile upon seeing more of the man, one saying" That can't be, Black armor and a black blade? A tall muscular man with dark blue hair? This can't be they sent the legendary Kyato to save us? That little boy must be a dangerous demon." Another screams "Kill the little shit Kyato, that bastard killed many of our family and friends. He shouldn't be allowed to live." Kyato just stands there staring at the villagers and then looks over at the boy demon and sees he looks scared and is begins to cry even more.
    Kyato replies "I'm not going to kill this boy. I'm here to escort him safely out of this village because he is the savior of you people. This little human and I repeat human boy saved all of you by killing that woman, because she is a camilion goul. A demon that can disguise itself as a human and it does this to fit in and kill people and feast upon their flesh when it gets the chance." Kyato then turn towards the boy and extends his hand. "I'm going now. If you value you're life you'd be smart to follow me." The boy then grabbed Kyato's hand.
    "I'll join you, but don't expect me to listen you you. I'm not your lacky, I'm.." Kyato stopped him "You're not my lacky, and you don't have to listen to a singal word I say, you're my guest. You can leave me when you think you're safe. I owe you protection because you saved the people of this village." Kyato and the boy then began walking out of the village. The villagers started yelling at the two "Yeah, Kyato get that ****ing demon out our village!" They kept walking.
    As they were about to leave the village an old man confronted the two. "I know of you boy. You're the child that Kaz was taking care of." Kyato's eyes opened in shock "Your name is Ryu if I remember correctly. He taught you the ways of our world and the ways of his sword." Kyato then turned towards the old man "I think we need to talk. Ryu, he said your name was is it correct?" Ryu just nodded his head "Well then Ryu, could you please go to that rock over there as I speak to him before we continue with my escort?" Ryu replied "Yes, but I'm only going to give you 5 minutes. Then I'm off."
    Ryu watched as the old man and Kyato talked. Kyato seemed to be upset about something during their talks. When they finished Kyato goes over to Ryu and says "We're leaving." Ryu then again began following Kyato outside of the village. As they were walking Ryu kept sniffing the air as if he was trying to find a certain smell Kyato stopped walking and turned towards him and asked Ryu "what's wrong?" Ryu replied "I thought we left that lady back at the village." Kyato then pushed Ryu out the way and unsheathed his blade.
    "Why save the kid? He's a demon just like me. Why save scum of the world? Aren't all slayers the same. You hate us demons and want to kill us all? So Why save one puny liitle wolf demon? Why Kyato of the Black dance, just why?" A creepy soft voice said as a young woman began emerging from the trees.
    "I know your kind. You're just like the lady in the village, you're another Camileon demon. But you're different from the other one. You're presence is stronger. You yourself smarter. You come to me as a demon not a human. You don't try to attack me because you're just after the boy. So why is it you're only after him. You're type of demons don't usually mourn the death of another, but you went straight for revenge for her death, why? Is it because you're her sister. You're Amiki of the diguise aren't you?"
    Amiki replied "Yes, and you're as well informed as the rumors say you are. You are the "Great Kyato." Considered by most to be the most skilled Slayer alive, but you never answered my question, why protect a demon?"
    "I protect no demon, just a little boy. A scared little boy that saved an entire village from the terror that your sister tried envoked upon them." Kyato then pointed his blade towards the Demon, "If you plan to kill him you must first pass my blade, and I promise you this I will not make it easy for you. I will protect this boy, even if it means I have to fight Amiki, the strongest of the camileon's. Who's stadegies and skill has won more than 1000 battles in her lifetime. I will show you what my blade "Kuro No Noroi" could truly do in battle." Kyato's Kuro no noroi than began to glow an ominous black aura around the blade. than pulled out two daggers from the covering on her waists. "I've used these daggers in many battles and they've never failed me. Kyato are you ready for this? All you have to do is hand over that boy and you can go on living past today."


    Please no flaming as this is my personal work. I don't mind criticism, but please no hateful remarks.
     
         
    Last edited by Sostrange89; 08-15-2012 at 03:01 AM.

  2. #2
    Senior Member ITACHIUCHIA101's Avatar
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    Re: Is this a good beginning?

    sorry i didn't read but i will when i have time but +rep for the effort
     
         

  3. #3
    senni-jashu orochimaru's Avatar
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    Re: Is this a good beginning?

    change the yellow color!
     
         

  4. #4
    supreme being thesurvivor's Avatar
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    fuk the police!
     

    Re: Is this a good beginning?

    its to short , make it longer
     
         

  5. #5
    Tsūki's Avatar
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    Laziness at its finest.
     



    Re: Is this a good beginning?

    Didn't read it yet, but gonna read it soon... there's just some tips I wanted to already give u so u can attract more of the reader's attention :

    -space it out
    -don't use yellow, it's hard to read for some ppl, have a dark color
    Keep improving
     
         

  6. #6
    Member Sostrange89's Avatar
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    Re: Is this a good beginning?

    I did the yellow only looks good how I have it actually written on a black backround. I changed it to red easier to read.
     
         

  7. #7
    Member Sostrange89's Avatar
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    Re: Is this a good beginning?

    Quote Originally Posted by thesurvivor View Post
    its to short , make it longer
    Its only the first paragraph and a half. I'm going to make it longer soon. I just wanted first glance opinions, but thank you I will make it longer and I'll post it again once its finished (unless I go Oda on it and continue it forever.)
     
         

  8. #8
    The Aspiring Writer ItachiLeeHatake's Avatar
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    What a drag...
     



    Re: Is this a good beginning?

    The format is to squished together. It's a nuisance to read like that.
     
         

  9. #9
    Tobirama/Madara/Hashi fan Hipster Madara's Avatar
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    Re: Is this a good beginning?

    too long T_T
     
         

  10. #10
    Senior Member OrochimaruFan's Avatar
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    Re: Is this a good beginning?

    It's alright for a rough draft.
    5 out of 10
     
         

  11. #11
    Sekirei 107 Bright Shadow's Avatar
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    Re: Is this a good beginning?

    Awesome, keep @ it!!
     
         

  12. #12
    Member Sostrange89's Avatar
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    Re: Is this a good beginning?

    Quote Originally Posted by ItachiLeeHatake View Post
    The format is to squished together. It's a nuisance to read like that.
    I tried to fix that by spacing it out, but it only let me do so much


    Quote Originally Posted by OrochimaruFan View Post
    It's alright for a rough draft.
    5 out of 10
    Thank you can you elaborate on what the pros and cons on the paragraph and a half are

    Quote Originally Posted by Bright Shadow View Post
    Awesome, keep @ it!!
    Thank you I plan on it. I want this to be a long adventure that will revolve around a couple of main characters
     
         

  13. #13
    Writer Xanthacl's Avatar
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    Re: Is this a good beginning?

    After a certain point I couldn't stop reading, and I love the name of the sword Kuro No Nori. Anyho, onto constructive criticism, I think that some of the wording can be changed so it flows better, and there is better understanding, it took me a few stops to be able to visualize the fight between Ryu and Ryo. Other than that I think it was brilliant. Definitely a good beginning, you have the suspense down, and it's all very informative
     
         

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