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  1. #1
    Writing time~ Netsui's Avatar
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    Star Light Chapter 1

    I was really inspired to write this, so I find it really good. I will still be working on Fate or Hope, but I'll be swapping. Three chapters of this, then three chapters of Fate or Hope, and so on. :D

    I apologize, but it might be long. I write it in a small notebook, so if it's long it doesn't appear that long to me. I found it really good, and I found it hard to stop.

    Star Light

    Chapter 1

    Rusu saw no light. Everywhere she looked she saw darkness. 'Where am I? Am I dreaming?' If it was a dream then she wanted to wake up. She had no interest in dreams. They were never related to her. If she had a dream she wanted it to be an actual dream. A dream that she can run toward; a goal. She didn't have a goal, and that was the only thing she wanted.

    She heard something familiar. A sound that she sometimes heard while she was on the phone. She heard static.

    “Rusu,” she faintly heard. She couldn't tell where it came from, but she was the only person there.

    “Who are you? How do you know my name? Show yourself!” she demanded. She couldn't recognize the voice at all. The static was causing everything to sound weird. Even her own voice sounded weird to her.

    “Find me, Rusu,” she heard. “I'm the key. Find me.”


    “What do you mean? I don't understand!” she exclaimed as she opened her eyes. She got up, and then looked out the window. She never had a dream like that before. 'Why am I getting worked up over a dream? It's a dream! It didn't mean anything!' she told herself. She sounded serious in the dream too. She felt ashamed for taking the dream so seriously!

    “Rusu, get ready for school. You don't want to be late on the first day of school!” her Mom called in a cheerful tone.

    She actually wanted to be late, but her parents never allowed her to be late. She absolutely hated school, like a lot of other teenagers.

    She grabbed the black blouse that was hung on the wall, and put it on. On the right side of the blouse was a red badge, which she couldn't stand. The badge separated her from other people at the school. The badge was the only thing that made the school uniforms different. She hated the uniforms, but her parents wouldn't let her transfer schools.

    She then grabbed the blue skirt that was hanging on the wall, and put it on. The skirt was another reason she hated the uniform. It was too short! It didn't even reach her knees. The school needed to change the badges, and skirts, then the uniform might look good.

    She walked over to her desk and took a seat. She grabbed the brush, and started to brush her hair. She had long, dark purple hair that went down to her waist. Her parents thought it was too long, but she wouldn't allow them to touch it. It was the only thing that was her. Her parents decided everything, except her hair.

    She had red eyes that reminded her of fire, but she hated her eyes. It scared people away from her. Her parents told her she was special, but she knew better than that. She was a freak. A freak that couldn't make any decisions. Her parents would never tell her that, but she was smart. She could put pieces together, and discover the truth.

    “Rusu! You have to leave soon if you want to make it on time!” her Mom exclaimed.

    “I know! I'm coming down now!” she called down.

    She grabbed her black school bag, and then ran out of her room, and down the stairs.

    “Good morning, Rusu!” an all familiar voice exclaimed.

    “Fiore!” she said as she walked to the side. She watched Fiore fall on the floor with a big thud. He never learned his lesson every time he tried to hug her. “How many times do I have to tell you? Don't wait for me inside my own house. Either stay outside, or go to school!”

    He turned his head with a sincere look in his turquoise eyes. He was always nice to her, even if she did something terrible. He never left her alone in the mornings, even if she was sick. If she were sick he would skip school to take care of her. She never understood why he did so much for her. They were friends, but friends never went that far for each other. She never skipped school when Fiore was sick.

    She envied him, though. His smiles were real smiles, unlike her smiles. He made his own decisions. He even had a goal that he wanted to reach. He kept it a secret from her, though. She didn't know why, and it made her feel lonely.

    Whenever she looked at him, she realized something. His hair looked different. Last time she saw him he had long black hair that was almost the same length as her hair. It was no longer long, but short. It just touched his neck, but just barely.

    “Oh! You got a haircut,” her Mom said happily.

    Fiore suddenly jumped up with a huge grin on his face. It seemed like he fed on happiness, and gave out happiness. That was how she would describe him.

    “Yeah! I thought my hair looked girly with long hair, so I got a haircut!” he claimed.

    “Maybe you can talk some sense into our daughter, Fiore,” her Dad said harshly.

    “I don't need a haircut!” she shouted. She looked at Fiore's outfit, and disappointment replaced her anger. She was supposed to be relieved, but she wasn't. “Fiore, you didn't make it in again?” she asked.

    Fiore wasn't in her school's uniform. He wore a black jacket with black jeans. He wasn't wearing blue, or a badge.

    His eyes went wide. “We're going to be late! We don't have time to waste!” He grabbed her wrist, and basically pulled her out of the house.

    She pulled her hand away, and she started to walk ahead of Fiore. She had no idea why he did that! 'Is he really a freshman in high school? He doesn't act like it at all!'

    “Rusu, wait!” he called out. “I'm sorry about that. At least hear me out before school!”

    “What else is there to say?” she asked. “You didn't make it in again. You probably didn't know the material on it.” She never found the tests that hard, but she realized everyone else found it hard. She only had trouble on a few questions, but it really wasn't that hard.

    “I'm sure I had the score to get in, though!” he cried. “You know I'm smart, Rusu! Don't you find it weird? I'm telling you, something isn't right about that school!”

    “I never said you weren't smart. I don't know how to smart the lower class students are,” she explained. She couldn't afford to be late to school. If Fiore caused her to be late she would have to visit Mr. Naga, the principal. 'I don't want to deal with him today. As long as I stay awake when I get there, then I'll be good. If I'm not late'

    “I'm going to find proof! Proof that Star Light Academy is not what we think it is!” he shouted as he ran off.

    'Running off like that! That means I'll be late!' she thought was she started to run. She was going to get Fiore if she was late! Fiore was smart, but he allowed his emotions to take over. He didn't get in a school, and he thought something was suspicious about it.

    She was finally able to see the school, but it looked more like a mansion. It was probably three, or more, schools combined. That was how she pictured it. She thought it was originally a mansion, but was sold and turned into a school.

    She ran inside the school building, and was greeted by the lockers on the side. The lockers were abnormally big for lockers. The lockers almost reached the ceiling, and they were very wide too. She swore they could fit two students in a locker, and there would still be room.

    She ran up the stairs, and then she heard the bell. “The bell! I have to make it to my class before it ends!” She continued to run, even though her legs felt like they were about to give in. She had no idea how long her legs could last, but they had to at least hold until she made it to class. She saw the class room door, and as soon as she opened the door her legs gave in.

    “Rusu, how nice of you to join us. You're late,” the teacher said harshly.

    “But Miss Sara, the bell-” she said. The bell must have ended right before she opened the door, otherwise Miss Sara would have allowed her to enter the classroom. “Never mind.”

    “You're a student in my class, the top class, and you should know the rules by now,” she explained. “I thought you would have learned over the summer, but I guess not. To the principal's office.”

    She got up, and closed the door as she walked away. She hated Miss Sara, but there was nothing she could do. She never met the other teachers, but she couldn't imagine them. She wondered how Miss Sara got her teaching degree. She had red eyes like her, yet nobody said anything. She may have been a teacher, but that meant nothing! They were supposed to talk about teachers, not be quiet about everything.

    Miss Sara seemed a bit young, though. Her long, brown curly hair that barely touched her waist made her appear like a student. She didn't even dress like a teacher. She dressed like someone who wanted to be recognized. She usually wore a red blouse with a picture of roses. Everyday the roses were a different color, but never red. Then she wore a black skirt that was too short. She thought a skirt that short would have been inappropriate for school.

    She finally reached the double doors, which was the principal's office. The double doors was another reason she thought it was originally a mansion.

    She was about to knock on the door, but she heard a loud voice. 'Is somebody yelling at Mr. Naga?' She put her ear against the door, but it was hard to make anything out. 'What's going on in there?'

    “Naga, I've known you for a while now, but you're getting distracted! What do you see in that girl? It's time to get rid of her,” she heard loudly.

    Author's Note:

    This may seem weird, but yes, when the students say something like Miss Sara, Mr. Naga and etc, they are using their first names. Last names really aren't important at the moment, and I'm awful at last names.
     
         
    Last edited by Netsui; 06-29-2012 at 05:00 AM.

  2. #2
    God Of Ninja Saikou Ninja's Avatar
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    Re: Star Light Chapter 1

    Awesome! this is really good.
     
         
    Last edited by Saikou Ninja; 06-27-2012 at 05:39 AM.

  3. #3
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    Re: Star Light Chapter 1

    This is soooo professional. The plots is just amazing, it's exactly what I'd expect from an established book writer. It actually took me by surprise, as it's much more than what I expect it to be. There's nothing bad to say about the story-telling either. You've outdone yourself with this one.

    You Netsui, are a prodigy.
     
         

  4. #4
    Senior Member Gutsy Jiraiya's Avatar
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    Re: Star Light Chapter 1

    My eyes have been blinded by awesomeness......
     
         

  5. #5
    Writing time~ Netsui's Avatar
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    Re: Star Light Chapter 1

    Quote Originally Posted by Saikou Ninja View Post
    Awesome! this is really good.
    Quote Originally Posted by -Yama- View Post
    This is soooo professional. The plots is just amazing, it's exactly what I'd expect from an established book writer. It actually took me by surprise, as it's much more than what I expect it to be. There's nothing bad to say about the story-telling either. You've outdone yourself with this one.

    You Netsui, are a prodigy.
    Quote Originally Posted by JiraiyaEroSennin View Post
    My eyes have been blinded by awesomeness......
    Thank you. I've been really working hard on this FF, so I tried to make it really good.
     
         

  6. #6
    Fiona Glenanne ThatOneChick's Avatar
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    Re: Star Light Chapter 1

    Ok first wallies:

    While reading, I felt like you were repeating yourself a lot! Example would be the first two sentences. You state that there is no light and then say that there is darkness everywhere. The two go hand in hand making the first sentence useless. Stray away from this, please. Also that's not the first one, but I'm sure you know what the other ones are. Don't be afraid to combine sentences either to avoid that repetition as well; re-word and experiment with the sentence!

    “Who are you? How do you know my name? Show yourself!” she asked.....Instead of asked, use the word demaned. It comes off more aggressive and less shy like when she's telling the voice to show itself.

    She absolutely hated school, like a lot of other teenagers. (this was rather confusing) Did she hate school because of the other students or does she hate them both equally? I'm not sure I understand the reason why she hates it so much.

    She watched Fiore fall on the floor with a big thud. He never learned his lesson every time he tried to hug her. I take it she was the reason he fell to the floor? Did she push him, kick him? How did he end up on the floor?

    Nothing major:

    His eyes went wide. “We're going to be late! We don't have time to waste!” He grabbed her wrist, and basically pulled her out of the house.
    She pulled her hand away, and she started to walk ahead of Fiore. She had no idea why he did that! 'Is he really a freshman in high school? He doesn't act like it at all!' (Insert a space between the two?)

    Well good job though I found your weakness when it comes to writing, we all have one. (I'm too lazy to finish a story and take the time to add bigger words to my vocabulary. :lmao Repetition is your biggest weakness I would say. I found myself thinking, didn't she just say that? So if you have any questions, just vm me.

    D Yeah my name is in the story, sort of. :overjoy: I'll take what I can! lol
     
         

  7. #7
    Writing time~ Netsui's Avatar
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    Re: Star Light Chapter 1

    Quote Originally Posted by ThatOneChick View Post
    Ok first wallies:

    While reading, I felt like you were repeating yourself a lot! Example would be the first two sentences. You state that there is no light and then say that there is darkness everywhere. The two go hand in hand making the first sentence useless. Stray away from this, please. Also that's not the first one, but I'm sure you know what the other ones are. Don't be afraid to combine sentences either to avoid that repetition as well; re-word and experiment with the sentence!

    “Who are you? How do you know my name? Show yourself!” she asked.....Instead of asked, use the word demaned. It comes off more aggressive and less shy like when she's telling the voice to show itself.

    She absolutely hated school, like a lot of other teenagers. (this was rather confusing) Did she hate school because of the other students or does she hate them both equally? I'm not sure I understand the reason why she hates it so much.

    She watched Fiore fall on the floor with a big thud. He never learned his lesson every time he tried to hug her. I take it she was the reason he fell to the floor? Did she push him, kick him? How did he end up on the floor?

    Nothing major:

    His eyes went wide. “We're going to be late! We don't have time to waste!” He grabbed her wrist, and basically pulled her out of the house.
    She pulled her hand away, and she started to walk ahead of Fiore. She had no idea why he did that! 'Is he really a freshman in high school? He doesn't act like it at all!' (Insert a space between the two?)

    Well good job though I found your weakness when it comes to writing, we all have one. (I'm too lazy to finish a story and take the time to add bigger words to my vocabulary. :lmao Repetition is your biggest weakness I would say. I found myself thinking, didn't she just say that? So if you have any questions, just vm me.

    D Yeah my name is in the story, sort of. :overjoy: I'll take what I can! lol
    He was running when he ran to hug her, so when she stepped to the side, he just fell. And yeah, got to work on repetition. I'll try to repeat... less.

    And as for she hates school, you'll probably see later on. Don't want to reveal everything right away. And thanks for that, I changed the asked part.

    And thank you for pointing out that space part! Since when I copy it into NB it doesn't space it out I go through the lines, and I missed that one. I'm glad you liked it, though. :D
     
         

  8. #8
    Fiona Glenanne ThatOneChick's Avatar
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    Re: Star Light Chapter 1

    Quote Originally Posted by Netsui View Post
    He was running when he ran to hug her, so when she stepped to the side, he just fell. And yeah, got to work on repetition. I'll try to repeat... less.

    And as for she hates school, you'll probably see later on. Don't want to reveal everything right away. And thanks for that, I changed the asked part.

    And thank you for pointing out that space part! Since when I copy it into NB it doesn't space it out I go through the lines, and I missed that one. I'm glad you liked it, though. :D
    Yes I was confused about that part. You can do it though, it's easy to over come. Np I hope my wallie helps you. :scorps: Had to do one before Reborn! lol
     
         

  9. #9
    Writing time~ Netsui's Avatar
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    Re: Star Light Chapter 1

    Quote Originally Posted by ThatOneChick View Post
    Yes I was confused about that part. You can do it though, it's easy to over come. Np I hope my wallie helps you. :scorps: Had to do one before Reborn! lol
    At least that means I overcame what was my weakest part! I thought tenses were my biggest weakness, but I haven't seen that brought up recently! :scorps:

    A wallie before Reborn, I am shocked. Now I need to try to get Chapters 2 and 3 up before July... I can do it without rushing! :ice:
     
         

  10. #10
    Fiona Glenanne ThatOneChick's Avatar
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    Re: Star Light Chapter 1

    Quote Originally Posted by Netsui View Post
    At least that means I overcame what was my weakest part! I thought tenses were my biggest weakness, but I haven't seen that brought up recently! :scorps:

    A wallie before Reborn, I am shocked. Now I need to try to get Chapters 2 and 3 up before July... I can do it without rushing! :ice:
    Once you get pass the repetition then we will be able to see the next thing that needs work. It was just the biggest thing that kept distracting me. There is always room for improvement, even with published writer's. I remember I was reading this one book and it made me so angry! There were so many errors in it and the author couldn't even get their facts right! :mad: I ended up throwing it away, it made me that upset.

    :lmao: I am too! Send me the links when you post the others and also if you want some one to revise before you post, let me know. ^_^
     
         

  11. #11
    Writing time~ Netsui's Avatar
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    Re: Star Light Chapter 1

    Quote Originally Posted by ThatOneChick View Post
    Once you get pass the repetition then we will be able to see the next thing that needs work. It was just the biggest thing that kept distracting me. There is always room for improvement, even with published writer's. I remember I was reading this one book and it made me so angry! There were so many errors in it and the author couldn't even get their facts right! :mad: I ended up throwing it away, it made me that upset.

    :lmao: I am too! Send me the links when you post the others and also if you want some one to revise before you post, let me know. ^_^
    Really? I remember I used to get my sister to revise it, but she's never on when I want to post it. Hopefully for Chapter 2 everything will all be in order. Except, people might hate me because of Mr. Naga.
     
         

  12. #12
    Fiona Glenanne ThatOneChick's Avatar
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    Re: Star Light Chapter 1

    Quote Originally Posted by Netsui View Post
    Really? I remember I used to get my sister to revise it, but she's never on when I want to post it. Hopefully for Chapter 2 everything will all be in order. Except, people might hate me because of Mr. Naga.
    I'm not sure if you know how funny having a person named Naga in your story is. This is what Naga are:

     
         

  13. #13
    Writing time~ Netsui's Avatar
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    Re: Star Light Chapter 1

    Quote Originally Posted by ThatOneChick View Post
    I'm not sure if you know how funny having a person named Naga in your story is. This is what Naga are:

    . They look awesome, but I don't know how I'm going to exactly... describe Naga, because of a few, big details.
     
         

  14. #14
    Fiona Glenanne ThatOneChick's Avatar
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    Re: Star Light Chapter 1

    Quote Originally Posted by Netsui View Post
    . They look awesome, but I don't know how I'm going to exactly... describe Naga, because of a few, big details.
    lol Ikr! Pm me if you need help.
     
         

  15. #15
    Writing time~ Netsui's Avatar
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    Re: Star Light Chapter 1

    Quote Originally Posted by ThatOneChick View Post
    lol Ikr! Pm me if you need help.
    I will. And that may be soon, because of those details. :ice:
     
         

  16. #16
    Senior Member uzumaki antonia's Avatar
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    Re: Star Light Chapter 1

    wow that is an amazing fanfiction
     
         

  17. #17
    Fiona Glenanne ThatOneChick's Avatar
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    Re: Star Light Chapter 1

    Quote Originally Posted by Netsui View Post
    I will. And that may be soon, because of those details. :ice:
    Feel free to anytime. ^_^
     
         

  18. #18
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    Re: Star Light Chapter 1

    AWSOME i really liked this PM or VM me when you release the next chapter
     
         

  19. #19
    The Aspiring Writer ItachiLeeHatake's Avatar
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    Re: Star Light Chapter 1

    Wow, that was great. You have another hit!:D
     
         

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