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  1. #1
    Writing time~ Netsui's Avatar
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    Fate or Hope Chapter 4

    Sorry it took so long! I've been busy throughout the week, but Chapter 4 is finally here. I'll try getting Chapter 5 up by next Sunday, or Monday. Oh yeah, and for the ending, I kind of had trouble describing yet... So I'm not sure if it's good or not. Advice would be helpful on the end. Oh, and you gotta LOVE cliff hangers, right?

    Chapter 1:Chapter 1
    Chapter 2: Chapter 2
    Chapter 3: Chapter 3

    Fate Or Hope

    Chapter 4

    She wasn't too late yet. She was able to see the building, and it was still in one piece. The only thing that stood in her way was the masked man. She had to find a way to get around him. She didn't know how much time she had left, so she couldn't waste any time fighting him. “Sacrifices?” she asked. “You want to sacrifice everyone in that building!? As if I'd allow that to happen!”

    She charged at him, making sure not to go too fast or too slow, and then as soon as
    she was in front of him she quickly turned to the side to go around him.

    “I thought I told you sacrifices were essential. Stay away if you don't want to get hurt,” the masked man said as he appeared in front of her.

    He was quick. How would she get around him with his speed? She wasn't that quick; she wouldn't be able to get that close to the building. “I don't understand what you're saying. Why should innocent people be sacrificed just for you to achieve your goal? Destroying that building... Who knows what it could cause!”

    “You don't understand?” he asked slowly. “What can't you understand!? Do you understand that if the police didn't show up you would be dead right now!? From what I saw you didn't even do anything wrong, yet you still don't want to do anything about it? Or did you want to die?”

    “No! I didn't want to-”

    “Then why don't you understand what I'm saying? I'm trying to make this world a better place. That way innocent kids like you won't be threatened like that. The first step is the governor,” he said.

    He wanted to change the world too? But his way seemed wrong, or was she the one that was wrong? No, she couldn't be wrong. She still had feelings for those who died. 'Life, it is something we can't take advantage of. We can't kill for our own needs.' How does she get around someone like him? She didn't know what her power was, but it seemed like he knew what his was.

    “Do you understand what I'm saying now? This is best for everyone, including you. Just watch the building melt, and it won't be that bad,” he said.

    Melt!? How would a building just melt like that? She looked at the building, which seemed like it wouldn't even rot for decades. It looked like not even an earthquake would bring it down. She looked everywhere around the building; nothing in sight. She did see rain drops, but that was all she saw. Wait, the rain. It was an orange-red color. Wait, he mentioned the building melting. Then the rain was, “Lava!?” The building was really going to melt if lava landed on it!

    “I had to think of something. With lava no one can interfere, otherwise they'd melt along with the building,” he explained as he laughed.

    He really thought everything through. He was prepared, just in case anyone tried to stop him. He tried getting into her head, trying to get her to reconsider. Then he planned the lava rain, so no one would stop it. 'What am I thinking? Am I going to let this be a repeat of seven years ago?' Someone dying without her trying to do anything. Was it just going to happen again, right in front of her eyes? No, it couldn't happen again. The last important person to her, “I won't lose her! I don't care what happens to the building, but I can't lose her!” She flew quickly passed the masked man, and when she got a look at him his eyes appeared to be wide.

    “What are you doing!? That's lava! You'll die if you try to stop it!” he shouted.

    She ignored him, although she wanted to yell at him for trying to take someone important away from her. She would not allow him to have his way! What would stop lava? Fire wouldn't work, since it was lava. Would air work? No, it would probably just delay the lava from reaching the building. Ground wouldn't work; it would just fall on the building. Water? What happened when lava hit water? Water put out fire, so would it stop lava? It was the best thing she could think of, but was she able to make water appear? When she got to the top of the building, she thought of water. A beautiful waterfall with a rainbow on top of it, a beautiful ocean that stretches throughout the world, a clean lake that won't be corrupted by garbage, a river surrounded by a forest, hopefully a forest not destroyed.

    She felt like she was about to get crushed, and then she looked up. Water, in a huge oval shape, was on top of her. No wonder she felt like she was going to get crushed. That much water was heavy. She stood still, and concentrated on the water. It had to stay up; it couldn't fall. 'Please, stay in the air, water!'

    She watched as the lava rain collided with the water. She smiled when she saw the steam, and she felt relieved. The steam meant the water was working. She just had to keep the water up until the lava rain ended; if there was an end to it. She was finally able to save someone important to her. It didn't help her completely get over Kenji's death, but she felt better knowing she saved not only her Mom, but all the other workers in the building.

    The steam slowly started to fade away, and she sighed in relief. The lava rain must have stopped if the steam started to disappear. She looked at where the steam was slowly fading away. She could finally relax, and take a nap as soon as she got back home. A nap sounded really nice, especially after the day she went through.

    “What are you doing!? Get out of there!” the masked man exclaimed.

    She looked at him with a confused look on her face. What was he talking about? The danger was gone. Sure, the steam was probably hot, but it wasn't close enough to hurt her. She took a second look at the fading steam, and then gasped. She saw a glimpse of something black! What was it? She was only able to see that it was black; she couldn't see how big it was. Next thing she knew, something huge was coming toward her; coming out of the steam after her. She felt a hard weight on her head followed by a lot of pain. She thought she heard herself scream, but she wasn't sure. Her vision was blurry; she thought she saw the masked man coming after her, and then her vision went black as the unbearable pain continued.
     
         
    Last edited by Netsui; 04-17-2012 at 03:03 AM.

  2. #2
    Sage Master XxNaruto10xX's Avatar
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    Re: Fate or Hope Chapter 4

    +Rep Awesome
     
         

  3. #3
    Master Summoner Sage of Infinity Paths's Avatar
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    Re: Fate or Hope Chapter 4

    I will consider it
     
         

  4. #4
    Writing time~ Netsui's Avatar
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    Re: Fate or Hope Chapter 4

    Quote Originally Posted by Sage of Infinity Paths View Post
    I will consider it
    Consider it? xD That's the first time I heard someone considering it.
     
         

  5. #5
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    Re: Fate or Hope Chapter 4

    In the 3rd sentence: The only thing that stood in her way was the masked man. You just forgot to put "way" in there.

    You amazed me once again Netsui, it was worth the wait. I love a good story that keeps me guessing on what will happen next. And you're doing that well. ^^
     
         

  6. #6
    Writing time~ Netsui's Avatar
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    Re: Fate or Hope Chapter 4

    Quote Originally Posted by General Yama View Post
    In the 3rd sentence: The only thing that stood in her way was the masked man. You just forgot to put "way" in there.

    You amazed me once again Netsui, it was worth the wait. I love a good story that keeps me guessing on what will happen next. And you're doing that well. ^^
    Thanks for pointing that out, and thanks to that I found another mistake I was able to fix. And you liked the ending? I didn't know how to describe the ending there, so I went with something simple. :D And I'm glad you like it. This is my first time doing a suspense/mystery type thing, so I'm glad it's working out well so far.
     
         

  7. #7
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    Re: Fate or Hope Chapter 4

    Quote Originally Posted by Netsui View Post
    Thanks for pointing that out, and thanks to that I found another mistake I was able to fix. And you liked the ending? I didn't know how to describe the ending there, so I went with something simple. :D And I'm glad you like it. This is my first time doing a suspense/mystery type thing, so I'm glad it's working out well so far.
    No problem Yeah I especially loved the ending, you did that very well
    I more than liked it, I loved it. And awesome work for your first time, you can't tell at all that at you're a beginner
     
         

  8. #8
    Writing time~ Netsui's Avatar
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    Re: Fate or Hope Chapter 4

    Quote Originally Posted by General Yama View Post
    No problem Yeah I especially loved the ending, you did that very well
    I more than liked it, I loved it. And awesome work for your first time, you can't tell at all that at you're a beginner
    Yay. :D Now to plan Chapter 5, and actually write chapter 4 in my notebook... I felt like typing it instead of writing it first. xD

    And at least it doesn't seem like I'm a beginner at suspense things. Lets hope it stays... suspenseful?
     
         

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    Re: Fate or Hope Chapter 4

    Quote Originally Posted by Netsui View Post
    Yay. :D Now to plan Chapter 5, and actually write chapter 4 in my notebook... I felt like typing it instead of writing it first. xD

    And at least it doesn't seem like I'm a beginner at suspense things. Lets hope it stays... suspenseful?

    Yes, can't wait :zonder: I see

    Yeah it's believable that you're a novice I'm not even worried about that :scorps:
     
         

  10. #10
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    Re: Fate or Hope Chapter 4

    gonna have to start from beginning
     
         

  11. #11
    Reborn's Avatar
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    Re: Fate or Hope Chapter 4

    Hell yeah I'm all finished now :scorps:

    Great chapter I'm giving this one a 9/10 ^^

    I'll do the same way I did last chapter.

    Still had the previous stuffs about the narrator and the questioning but tbh it wasn't that significant if at all in this chapter and it actually complimented the chapter quite well in fact so I have nothing negative to say.
    -----------------------------

    I loved the supernatural aspect that you're bringing into this series. Mavi's turning out to be a hell of a heroin. She has all the qualities as one

    ~strong past which proposes conflict internally (guilt) an determination (fullfilling a promise)
    ~seems to be strong in the abilities she has however still has a lot to learn and needs to get stronger
    ~strong personality but obviously naive about some things and she still has the young schoolgirl thing going on

    I love the contrast between Mavi and the masked man, it's sort of like Naruto and Tobi. Both are after the same goals, one has a different method of going about it. In the case of Mavi and this masked man, they both want to change the world but two have different ways. However from what it seems, the relationship between these two characters of yours are different.

    Mavi and the masked man don't seem to be full blown enemies, they may have contrasting views but it's not completely either of them saying "it's my way or the high way" so that's an interesting flavor.

    The black thing or whatever is ominous, maybe an antagonist to both characters?

    The way you explain the scenes in this chapter is really good and I enjoyed reading these last two chapters of yours keep up the good work Netsui ^^
     
         

  12. #12
    Writing time~ Netsui's Avatar
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    Re: Fate or Hope Chapter 4

    Quote Originally Posted by Reborn View Post
    Hell yeah I'm all finished now :scorps:

    Great chapter I'm giving this one a 9/10 ^^

    I'll do the same way I did last chapter.

    Still had the previous stuffs about the narrator and the questioning but tbh it wasn't that significant if at all in this chapter and it actually complimented the chapter quite well in fact so I have nothing negative to say.
    -----------------------------

    I loved the supernatural aspect that you're bringing into this series. Mavi's turning out to be a hell of a heroin. She has all the qualities as one

    ~strong past which proposes conflict internally (guilt) an determination (fullfilling a promise)
    ~seems to be strong in the abilities she has however still has a lot to learn and needs to get stronger
    ~strong personality but obviously naive about some things and she still has the young schoolgirl thing going on

    I love the contrast between Mavi and the masked man, it's sort of like Naruto and Tobi. Both are after the same goals, one has a different method of going about it. In the case of Mavi and this masked man, they both want to change the world but two have different ways. However from what it seems, the relationship between these two characters of yours are different.

    Mavi and the masked man don't seem to be full blown enemies, they may have contrasting views but it's not completely either of them saying "it's my way or the high way" so that's an interesting flavor.

    The black thing or whatever is ominous, maybe an antagonist to both characters?

    The way you explain the scenes in this chapter is really good and I enjoyed reading these last two chapters of yours keep up the good work Netsui ^^
    Thanks. At least I know to keep an eye out for that Narrator stuff, since I didn't start Chapter 5 yet. Too much testing xD I have a feeling I'll be doing a lot of writing.

    :D Yeah, I like their perspective too. I was debating how it would be between them, but I decided to have it this way. I think it makes it more mysterious.
     
         

  13. #13
    Reborn's Avatar
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    Re: Fate or Hope Chapter 4

    Quote Originally Posted by Netsui View Post
    Thanks. At least I know to keep an eye out for that Narrator stuff, since I didn't start Chapter 5 yet. Too much testing xD I have a feeling I'll be doing a lot of writing.

    :D Yeah, I like their perspective too. I was debating how it would be between them, but I decided to have it this way. I think it makes it more mysterious.
    I really like it, and I hope to see you in next month's contest

    As it stand now I must read all 27 chapters of this month's contest so I can make my vote.

    that's a lot of reading
     
         

  14. #14
    Writing time~ Netsui's Avatar
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    Re: Fate or Hope Chapter 4

    Quote Originally Posted by Reborn View Post
    I really like it, and I hope to see you in next month's contest

    As it stand now I must read all 27 chapters of this month's contest so I can make my vote.

    that's a lot of reading
    ^^ I'll probably be entering this in next month's, since it's the only other FF (besides Lunar Miku,) that has the chapters for it, and it's actually my favorite one so far.

    And I know! I saw the link and I saw all those chapters. I'm planning on voting so I still have to read all those chapters too.
     
         

  15. #15
    Senior Member Dupa's Avatar
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    Re: Fate or Hope Chapter 4

    I can actually picture this happening in my head. Great work Netsui
     
         

  16. #16
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    Re: Fate or Hope Chapter 4

    great work as usual i like it is getting very interesting plus rep
     
         

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