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  1. #1
    Writing time~ Netsui's Avatar
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    Fate or Hope Chapter 1

    It's finally here!! This is my main project right now, and I'm really proud of it so far. Oh, and for the word Daymare, that's how I'm spelling it, like Nightmare, except during the Day. And... I think this is the only FF I wrote where I didn't explain the character in the first chapter! And... I think I had a bit too much Dialogue... Advice/Comments/Criticism??

    Fate or Hope



    Chapter 1

    “She broke down in Civics again!” a guy said.

    “Really? What happened to her this time?” a girl asked.

    The usual gossip. The same thing happened every week, but they never learned. She was tired of people talking about her. “Shut up! We go through this every week! Find something else to talk about!”

    “She spoke! I thought Mavi only knew how to cry!” the guy laughed, along with the girl. They walked away laughing so loudly, she swore the kids on the other side of the building heard them.

    She hated people like them. They would never understand her. She barely understood herself. She didn't want to cry, but she couldn't control it. At least the school day was over. She could hide from everyone for the rest of the day. There was no point being outside if people were just going to laugh at her. There was nothing funny about a girl crying. The world was messed up if someone crying was funny.

    She ran out of the school building, ignoring all the people who laughed at her. She wanted to change the world, but it wasn't worth it yet. She would try to change the world when she wouldn't have to hide anymore. She had promises to fulfill, and she would keep her word.

    As she walked home she saw something at the corner of her eye, and then she was knocked down on the ground. Her left wrist hurt a little bit, and her right ankle felt like a rock was inside it. Everything else appeared to be okay.

    “Look who I found!” somebody exclaimed. Her heart felt like it stopped. It couldn't be.

    “Oh? The brat from seven years ago? I thought she died. That explains a lot,” someone else said. Then she felt someone grab her injured wrist, and lifted her off the ground. The wrist must have been more injured than she thought. It felt like it was about to break off.

    “What should we do, Boss? This girl caused us a lot of trouble,” the guy holding her asked.

    She remembered those two. She met them when she was little, but it didn't end well. The boss had short black hair and blazing red eyes. She never looked at his outfit because it made her sick just to look at his face. She never got a good look at his lackey's face, but she remembered his voice.

    “We could easily kill her, but there would be no fun in that. Torturing her would amuse us for a bit. The question is what should we do with her after wards? She won't keep her mouth shut. Do you have any ideas on what we should do with her?” the boss asked.

    They were acting like she wouldn't do anything! She wasn't as weak as she was seven years ago. She was already in an awful mood, and she didn't want to deal with them.

    “We can get rid of her for good after wards. We have to get out of here before people see us. The last thing we need is a witness,” his lackey said quickly.

    “I'm not the same as I was even years ago! I'll fight-” was all she managed to say before the images invaded her mind. Not again! It just happened in Civics! The incident from seven years ago was haunting her!

    She was running as fast as she could. She could hear the shouting behind them very clearly. It was hard not to hear, “Kill them! Hurry up and kill those brats!” She didn't want to die! She didn't do anything wrong! She was just a kid!

    “Don't worry,Mavi. We won't die,” someone said softly from behind her.

    His voice again. As long as he was with her she wouldn't give up. “Kenji-” she said before the sound of bullets. Then she saw him in front of her. The blood was blinding. It was in the air, and then it flooded the ground. “Kenji!”

    “R-Run. I knew w-what would happen if I p-protected you. O-One of us has to live, M-Mavi...” he choked out.

    “Kenji? No, you said we wouldn't die!” she cried. It was her fault he was hurt. She was the one who screamed. He couldn't die because of her!

    “R-Run. They can't be t-that far behind. T-They will kill you if you stay,” he whispered. “I-If the world was different t-this would not have happened. G-Goodbye, Mavi...”

    “Kenji? You're joking, right? You can't die, Kenji!” she cried as she hugged Kenji, and blocked out the world. Then she woke up in the hospital, and Kenji was gone.

    That memory always caused her throat to burn. She tried to hold it back, but the burning in her throat got worse. It was getting harder to breath, and then a small squeak left her mouth. The burning was getting worse every second; she couldn't hold it any longer. The tears rolled down her face, and then she started to wail.

    “Shut up, brat! We can't afford to get caught because of your crying! You're just asking for-” the boss said.

    “How about you give up before you get arrested?” she barely heard.

    Oh great. The last thing she wanted was for somebody else to see her crying. She hated her life. It was filled with nothing but misery.

    “Why would we give up? You're a brat just like this girl,” the lackey asked.

    “I took a picture, and I called the cops! I hate those who use force to get what they want!” the third guy shouted.

    He called the cops? That should have gave her a reason to stop crying, but the daymare seemed worse. She would usually see a part of that night, not the whole thing.

    “I'll handle him. Menji, take the girl with you. She won't get away this time,” the boss ordered, and then she heard gun shots.
     
         

  2. #2
    I am an amazing Friend Yuka's Avatar
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    Re: Fate or Hope Chapter 1

    It was a lovely Fanfic the Best I have seen all Night
     
         

  3. #3
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    Re: Fate or Hope Chapter 1

    so much text and im soooo tired its almost, 6am here in germany but i made it through :D
    i liked it a lot +rep
     
         

  4. #4
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    Re: Fate or Hope Chapter 1

    Fantastic work :D
     
         

  5. #5
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    Re: Fate or Hope Chapter 1

    Nice work i enjoyed it keep up the good work you are awsome Writer you inspire me plus Rep let me know when you release the next chapter
     
         

  6. #6
    Fiona Glenanne ThatOneChick's Avatar
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    Re: Fate or Hope Chapter 1

    Good job ^_^
    I agree with you when you said, "The world was messed up if someone crying was funny."
    A sad truth that exists for countless years.
    A person's pain, no matter how petty or small it may seem to us, could be a very big thing for another.
     
         

  7. #7
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    Re: Fate or Hope Chapter 1

    Quote Originally Posted by Netsui View Post
    It's finally here!! This is my main project right now, and I'm really proud of it so far. Oh, and for the word Daymare, that's how I'm spelling it, like Nightmare, except during the Day. And... I think this is the only FF I wrote where I didn't explain the character in the first chapter! And... I think I had a bit too much Dialogue... Advice/Comments/Criticism??

    Fate or Hope



    Chapter 1

    “She broke down in Civics again!” a guy said.

    “Really? What happened to her this time?” a girl asked.

    The usual gossip. The same thing happened every week, but they never learned. She was tired of people talking about her. “Shut up! We go through this every week! Find something else to talk about!”

    “She spoke! I thought Mavi only knew how to cry!” the guy laughed, along with the girl. They walked away laughing so loudly, she swore the kids on the other side of the building heard them.

    She hated people like them. They would never understand her. She barely understood herself. She didn't want to cry, but she couldn't control it. At least the school day was over. She could hide from everyone for the rest of the day. There was no point being outside if people were just going to laugh at her. There was nothing funny about a girl crying. The world was messed up if someone crying was funny.

    She ran out of the school building, ignoring all the people who laughed at her. She wanted to change the world, but it wasn't worth it yet. She would try to change the world when she wouldn't have to hide anymore. She had promises to fulfill, and she would keep her word.

    As she walked home she saw something at the corner of her eye, and then she was knocked down on the ground. Her left wrist hurt a little bit, and her right ankle felt like a rock was inside it. Everything else appeared to be okay.

    “Look who I found!” somebody exclaimed. Her heart felt like it stopped. It couldn't be.

    “Oh? The brat from seven years ago? I thought she died. That explains a lot,” someone else said. Then she felt someone grab her injured wrist, and lifted her off the ground. The wrist must have been more injured than she thought. It felt like it was about to break off.

    “What should we do, Boss? This girl caused us a lot of trouble,” the guy holding her asked.

    She remembered those two. She met them when she was little, but it didn't end well. The boss had short black hair and blazing red eyes. She never looked at his outfit because it made her sick just to look at his face. She never got a good look at his lackey's face, but she remembered his voice.

    “We could easily kill her, but there would be no fun in that. Torturing her would amuse us for a bit. The question is what should we do with her after wards? She won't keep her mouth shut. Do you have any ideas on what we should do with her?” the boss asked.

    They were acting like she wouldn't do anything! She wasn't as weak as she was seven years ago. She was already in an awful mood, and she didn't want to deal with them.

    “We can get rid of her for good after wards. We have to get out of here before people see us. The last thing we need is a witness,” his lackey said quickly.

    “I'm not the same as I was even years ago! I'll fight-” was all she managed to say before the images invaded her mind. Not again! It just happened in Civics! The incident from seven years ago was haunting her!

    She was running as fast as she could. She could hear the shouting behind them very clearly. It was hard not to hear, “Kill them! Hurry up and kill those brats!” She didn't want to die! She didn't do anything wrong! She was just a kid!

    “Don't worry,Mavi. We won't die,” someone said softly from behind her.

    His voice again. As long as he was with her she wouldn't give up. “Kenji-” she said before the sound of bullets. Then she saw him in front of her. The blood was blinding. It was in the air, and then it flooded the ground. “Kenji!”

    “R-Run. I knew w-what would happen if I p-protected you. O-One of us has to live, M-Mavi...” he choked out.

    “Kenji? No, you said we wouldn't die!” she cried. It was her fault he was hurt. She was the one who screamed. He couldn't die because of her!

    “R-Run. They can't be t-that far behind. T-They will kill you if you stay,” he whispered. “I-If the world was different t-this would not have happened. G-Goodbye, Mavi...”

    “Kenji? You're joking, right? You can't die, Kenji!” she cried as she hugged Kenji, and blocked out the world. Then she woke up in the hospital, and Kenji was gone.

    That memory always caused her throat to burn. She tried to hold it back, but the burning in her throat got worse. It was getting harder to breath, and then a small squeak left her mouth. The burning was getting worse every second; she couldn't hold it any longer. The tears rolled down her face, and then she started to wail.

    “Shut up, brat! We can't afford to get caught because of your crying! You're just asking for-” the boss said.

    “How about you give up before you get arrested?” she barely heard.

    Oh great. The last thing she wanted was for somebody else to see her crying. She hated her life. It was filled with nothing but misery.

    “Why would we give up? You're a brat just like this girl,” the lackey asked.

    “I took a picture, and I called the cops! I hate those who use force to get what they want!” the third guy shouted.

    He called the cops? That should have gave her a reason to stop crying, but the daymare seemed worse. She would usually see a part of that night, not the whole thing.

    “I'll handle him. Menji, take the girl with you. She won't get away this time,” the boss ordered, and then she heard gun shots.



    This was awesome Netsui 0.0 I never once got bored, I loved it.

    On the bolded part, it just feels like a little imagery could have been added there, could be just me, but it just sounds plain.

    Overall, epic first chapter :scorps: And I love the title
     
         

  8. #8
    Chief Fishcake King Volcano's Avatar
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    "If I had a world of my
    own, everything would be
    nonsense. Nothing would be
    what it is, because everything
    would be what it isn't. And
    contrariwise, what it is it
    wouldn't be . And what it
    wouldn't be it would. You
    see?"
     

    Re: Fate or Hope Chapter 1

    I loved it! can't wait to read chapter 2 and 3!
     
         

  9. #9
    I am an amazing Friend Yuka's Avatar
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    Re: Fate or Hope Chapter 1

    I really enjoyed reading it Good Job
     
         

  10. #10
    Writing time~ Netsui's Avatar
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    Re: Fate or Hope Chapter 1

    Quote Originally Posted by Yuka View Post
    I really enjoyed reading it Good Job
    Thanks. Chapters 2 & 3 are up too, and I'm almost done with Chapter 4 so that will be up shortly.

    Quote Originally Posted by King Volcano View Post
    I loved it! can't wait to read chapter 2 and 3!
    They're already up. And Chapter 4 will be up soon as well. It took longer than I expected to get the information on it.
     
         
    Last edited by Netsui; 04-15-2012 at 10:20 PM.

  11. #11
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    Re: Fate or Hope Chapter 1

    Took me long enough, yeah I'm reading your chapters like I promised sorry I took so late :ghehe:

    I'm going to start my own methods of review known as Reviews by Reborn (still working on the name -_-).

    I'm giving this a 7/10

    I like this chapter as an opener to your series. The plot seems like it's been thought out well, I especially like the daymare thing you talk about where it's essencially a daydream but it's like a nightmare.

    Points I liked/Think you did well on

    First thing that I loved about this was the fact that it's not Naruto based or at least it's not a series that revolves around a naruto type setting or an overall supernatural setting. This is more like a light high school thing.

    I also liked your description of a daymare and the uniqueness of it as it pertains to the story.

    You seem like you have a good general idea of where you want to take this story and you leave us off on a good cliffhanger which makes me anxious to read the next chapter (idk if I'll have time though today )

    Points I think you could improve on

    What made me give this a 7 to my taste is the way you tell the story. You do well in describing things and giving the clear picture however you don't give that sense of mystery or imagination to the eye. It's a little hard for me to explain....let me try it like this: You're having the narrator outright telling what's happening in the scene and in the girls life.

    She wanted to change the world, but it wasn't worth it yet. She would try to change the world when she wouldn't have to hide anymore. She had promises to fulfill, and she would keep her word
    Right here you say she wanted to change the world but she wasn't going to and you directly explain why she won't at that time. You're not giving the reader the question to ask; "well why isn't she going to change the world now?" You do have the mystery part about the promises. "She has promises to keep? To whom?" that's a good question, however I feel you take away a lot of possibilities to ask questions when you come the way you do sometimes.

    Another thing I thought about how you present yourself is that you have the narrator talking to the audience as if the person speaking is an actual character. You're bringing a bias into the narrator of the story as if a character but the narrator him/herself isn't an actual character. You're giving the first person bias by merely giving them an opinion that's directly displayed but keeping the narrator in as like the third person.

    The world was messed up if someone crying was funny
    They were acting like she wouldn't do anything! She wasn't as weak as she was seven years ago. She was already in an awful mood, and she didn't want to deal with them
    In the first example you're having the narrator talk about how the world is messed up and wrong when they think a crying girl is funny. It sounds as if the narrator has a relationship with the main character and that's even more exemplfied in the second example as well. You add the exlimation mark which comes off as emphasising emotion and what you have the narrator say somewhat demonstrates a personal connection that speaks to the narrator instead of being a neutral factor in this. You make the narrator sound like a character but he/she doesn't use "I" or "we" when talking outside the quote which would make it first person, which would be an appropriate way to show emotion and bias.

    The negative aspects I find with this method you're using is that you're giving the emotional inclination to the readers for them by saying certian phrases, emphasising certian things, etc. You're trying to make us pity the character it seems without giving the reader the incentive to do it themselves just based on a neutral figure telling the story, describing the characters and scenes as they roll along through the story.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Now this may seem like it's more negative then good and I may sound a little blunt but I don't mean for you to take this the wrong way so don't hate me I really did enjoy this chapter and I think it was rather well done.

    I took longer on this comment then I thought I would. I was planning on finishing these chapters in a good hour but I couldn't I hope this helps for now until I get to the other ones +rep
     
         

  12. #12
    Writing time~ Netsui's Avatar
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    Re: Fate or Hope Chapter 1

    Quote Originally Posted by Reborn View Post
    Took me long enough, yeah I'm reading your chapters like I promised sorry I took so late :ghehe:

    I'm going to start my own methods of review known as Reviews by Reborn (still working on the name -_-).

    I'm giving this a 7/10

    I like this chapter as an opener to your series. The plot seems like it's been thought out well, I especially like the daymare thing you talk about where it's essencially a daydream but it's like a nightmare.

    Points I liked/Think you did well on

    First thing that I loved about this was the fact that it's not Naruto based or at least it's not a series that revolves around a naruto type setting or an overall supernatural setting. This is more like a light high school thing.

    I also liked your description of a daymare and the uniqueness of it as it pertains to the story.

    You seem like you have a good general idea of where you want to take this story and you leave us off on a good cliffhanger which makes me anxious to read the next chapter (idk if I'll have time though today )

    Points I think you could improve on

    What made me give this a 7 to my taste is the way you tell the story. You do well in describing things and giving the clear picture however you don't give that sense of mystery or imagination to the eye. It's a little hard for me to explain....let me try it like this: You're having the narrator outright telling what's happening in the scene and in the girls life.



    Right here you say she wanted to change the world but she wasn't going to and you directly explain why she won't at that time. You're not giving the reader the question to ask; "well why isn't she going to change the world now?" You do have the mystery part about the promises. "She has promises to keep? To whom?" that's a good question, however I feel you take away a lot of possibilities to ask questions when you come the way you do sometimes.

    Another thing I thought about how you present yourself is that you have the narrator talking to the audience as if the person speaking is an actual character. You're bringing a bias into the narrator of the story as if a character but the narrator him/herself isn't an actual character. You're giving the first person bias by merely giving them an opinion that's directly displayed but keeping the narrator in as like the third person.





    In the first example you're having the narrator talk about how the world is messed up and wrong when they think a crying girl is funny. It sounds as if the narrator has a relationship with the main character and that's even more exemplfied in the second example as well. You add the exlimation mark which comes off as emphasising emotion and what you have the narrator say somewhat demonstrates a personal connection that speaks to the narrator instead of being a neutral factor in this. You make the narrator sound like a character but he/she doesn't use "I" or "we" when talking outside the quote which would make it first person, which would be an appropriate way to show emotion and bias.

    The negative aspects I find with this method you're using is that you're giving the emotional inclination to the readers for them by saying certian phrases, emphasising certian things, etc. You're trying to make us pity the character it seems without giving the reader the incentive to do it themselves just based on a neutral figure telling the story, describing the characters and scenes as they roll along through the story.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Now this may seem like it's more negative then good and I may sound a little blunt but I don't mean for you to take this the wrong way so don't hate me I really did enjoy this chapter and I think it was rather well done.

    I took longer on this comment then I thought I would. I was planning on finishing these chapters in a good hour but I couldn't I hope this helps for now until I get to the other ones +rep
    I'll never hate you for advice, Reborn. And that gives me something to improve on, which I shall improve on because this is actually something I can keep on writing and not start anything else. I hope there's less of that in Chapters 2-4, but there may be a lot of that still... xD But I didn't start chapter 5 yet, so hopefully Chapter 5 will be better.
     
         

  13. #13
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    Re: Fate or Hope Chapter 1

    I'll try to read some more chapters when I come back from my martial arts class ^^
     
         

  14. #14
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    Re: Fate or Hope Chapter 1

    amazing +rep
     
         

  15. #15
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    Re: Fate or Hope Chapter 1

    Great story. I'm not one for many words, ask Reborn, I hardly ever give long comments on his ff, I try for some chaps but ultimately I go back to my lazy 'good chapter' ways. This doesn't not mean the chapter wasn't impressive. I just lack the ability to properly express how great I thought it was. You linked me to chap 8. Decided to start from chap 1 to understand the whole thing, I may just read it all today. No promises though. ^_^
    *looks at Reborn's post*
    Yikes
     
         

  16. #16
    Writing time~ Netsui's Avatar
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    Re: Fate or Hope Chapter 1

    Quote Originally Posted by Uzumaki16 View Post
    Great story. I'm not one for many words, ask Reborn, I hardly ever give long comments on his ff, I try for some chaps but ultimately I go back to my lazy 'good chapter' ways. This doesn't not mean the chapter wasn't impressive. I just lack the ability to properly express how great I thought it was. You linked me to chap 8. Decided to start from chap 1 to understand the whole thing, I may just read it all today. No promises though. ^_^
    *looks at Reborn's post*
    Yikes
    Yeah. Reborn tends to do a wallie, but the wallies are slowly starting to smaller. I hope nobody starts to go easy on their wallies.

    I'm glad you liked it. ^^ I hope you like the other chapters as well, though there are a few chapters that I don't like. :ghehe:
     
         

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