Results 1 to 16 of 16
  1. #1
    Previous username: Yama Pleiades's Avatar
    Status
    Pleiades is online now
    Gender
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Location
    My mind: you don't belong here.
    Posts
    27,368
    Post Thanks / Like
    Don't judge my replies or my
    persona, constructed from the
    vibe and perceptions my avatar
    gives you. The contents of my
    reply doesn't represent the
    character in my ava (despite
    its origins), they represent
    the human behind the screen.
     



    Two Worlds; Chapter 1: That Fateful Night

    Chapter One: That Fateful Night



    The sun had already set when Johnny was trudging home on his way from school. In the darkness of the night Johnny appeared to be as a zombie walking with his back hunched as if he was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. He dragged his feet against the ground not wanting to waste the energy that was being used to keep the life inside that small fragile container of his that was so badly bruised.


    Johnny's right eye saw the true evil that plagued his reality as his left one was swollen, only allowing him to see partially. His swollen eye though held a unique sight to a different world; a very distorted world, where objects took on weird shapes. Johnny's memory was leading him home subconsciously, as his mind seemed to ponder on things. His jeans looked as if he bathed in dirt, his white t-shirt torn apart, hanging from him as if it were a man holding onto the edge of a cliff with only a few fingers. His light brown hair was mingled with blood, while his hair itself looked as if it was trying to escape his head, running away in all directions. His once beautiful light skin tainted by the color purple, as it clung to his chest and arms.


    The pain on this shell of his was nothing compared to the agony he was feeling inside, the drum that beats inside this shell was consumed by anger and sadness, angry from having to go through the same torture many nights, and depressed for having to go back to a family that doesn't care whether he was alive or dead. Tears began to swell up in his eyes, as it then began to drip down on his blood stained cheeks. He finally began to move something other than his legs, using the back of his hand to wipe away the tears that were now beginning to rain heavily from his eyes, caused by the storm that was taking place inside him. The sound of his whimpering began to fill the night air.


    On nights such as these, Johnny felt the moon was his only friend, it saw all his pain and how truly lonely he was. All the lonely nights he went home crying, all the beatings he took from the bullies in school, the moon witnessed it all. Out of loneliness, Johnny took it upon himself to think of the moon as his ally. Maybe the moon knew more about Johnny that he himself knew. Inside Johnny was a very strong will to live, it's the only thing that has been keeping him alive through all this turmoil. On this dark and lonely night that Johnny wanted to soon forget...the moon was shining very beautifully.


    Johnny began to hear a loud noise that muffled out his crying, the sounds of it made him drop his blue book bag that he's been dragging along the whole time, maybe from fear of collapsing should he add that weight to the invisible mountain of pain he was tugging along on his back. Once his hands were free, he quickly put them to his ears, but it didn't help, it was as if he had a steel plate in his head and someone was using it to sharpen their blade. Out of what little sight he had, he noticed a moving figure that was heading toward him, before he could even react, he felt something pass through him. It felt as if his soul had fled from him, all of his breathing ceased. Any attempt to yell out failed, it seemed even his voice was afraid to come out. He soon felt nothing, neither pain nor happiness, even the wind dared not touch him. He fell flat on his face, it was as if he was being suspended in mid-air, not feeling the touch of the ground. Shortly after, his conscious left him, and as his left eye closed shut, he saw that distorted world one last time as the door he was peeking through finally closed.




    Johnny began to slowly open his eyes, the world appeared as a blur to him, after everything came into focus, he saw the darkness of the night sky. In this night sky he saw flying objects that were too distant to make out what it was. He slowly stood up, getting himself off the ground. A voice shouted from behind him, "Hey you!" said the voice that sounded like that of a woman. Being startled from the voice, Johnny quickly turned around, and what he saw was mighty wings that was as bright as the snow and made him feel like he was moving backward from a gust of wind when he imagined them flapping. He guessed they had to be at least 5 feet long. Though they looked mighty and fierce, he saw something gentle about them, just looking at them made him feel like he was sleeping on a puffy white cloud.

    Gold sparkling in the darkness of the night caught his attention, he followed her long golden hair from her knees up to her face, after making contact with the green emeralds that is her eyes caused him to enter into a daydream about a world of full of beautiful jewels. Snapping him out of that daydream was her voice. "You're new right?" It sounded so innocent and played a tune in his heart that made him feel so relaxed that he regretted when the music stopped, and almost screamed for an encore. "New?" Johnny asked, now looking at the girl's beautiful smooth light skin, as tempting as it was to reach out and touch it, he was too nervous to even move. He had no idea what was going on, no idea whether to be happy or sad, he hated the life he was living, to think that he had escaped made him want to smile inside. Although he wanted to feel relieved, if this is an angel in front of him, then he must be dead is what he was telling himself. Death was something he wasn't sure he should be happy about.


    *But I must say, you're quite an odd looking one." The woman stated as she curiously circled around Johnny, looking him up an down with one finger on her lip and her eyes very wide and focused. "I am?" Johnny asked nervously, stumbling over his words and not looking at her directly in the face, but was as stiff as a mountain being explored by the winds. "What do you mean?" He asked, while this time taking notice of the woman's shiny light blue armor that was worn from her neck all the way down, the only exception being her arms, maybe to show off her beautiful skin. It was light armor, nothing heavy, as her physique was clearly visible. "Right!" The woman yelled out with one hand on her hip and raising her other hand in the air, snapping her fingers as if an idea came to her.

    "Look into my armor!" she said as she suddenly hopped in front of him with both hands on her hips and made direct contact on his eyes with hers. He jumped back from being startled, after his heart stopped racing, he gazed into her armor, coming closer to her so that he could see his reflection. His eyes grew wide and his mouth dropped. "W-W-W Who's that?!" Johnny yelled so loud that the woman covered her ears. "Wait......why is my voice like this?!"


    To be continued......


    Hope you like it

     
         
    Last edited by Pleiades; 03-12-2012 at 07:58 PM.

  2. #2
    yondaime hokage4th cmilius's Avatar
    Status
    cmilius is offline
    Gender
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Location
    usa
    Posts
    983
    Post Thanks / Like
    This user has no status.
     

    Re: Two Worlds; Chapter 1: That Fateful Night

    C'mon man too much writing, even though in my college class of writing, i don't write all that.
     
         

  3. #3
    Previous username: Yama Pleiades's Avatar
    Status
    Pleiades is online now
    Gender
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Location
    My mind: you don't belong here.
    Posts
    27,368
    Post Thanks / Like
    Don't judge my replies or my
    persona, constructed from the
    vibe and perceptions my avatar
    gives you. The contents of my
    reply doesn't represent the
    character in my ava (despite
    its origins), they represent
    the human behind the screen.
     



    Re: Two Worlds; Chapter 1: That Fateful Night

    Quote Originally Posted by cmilius View Post
    C'mon man too much writing, even though in my college class of writing, i don't write all that.

    =___=......thanks for commenting!
     
         

  4. #4
    Fiona Glenanne ThatOneChick's Avatar
    Status
    ThatOneChick is offline
    Gender
    Join Date
    Aug 2011
    Location
    In a dream.
    Posts
    9,071
    Post Thanks / Like
    This user has no status.
     



    Re: Two Worlds; Chapter 1: That Fateful Night

    You have to be careful Yama, for run-on sentences (you have many!). Punctuation is your friend lol
    Can you start a sentence with but? O.o Also the paragraph that starts with the word but put a period at the end where the first , is. (I would remove the word but as well and just say The.) "and sad for having to go to a family that doesn't care whether he was alive or dead." use another word than sadness, I would use depressed or depression (pending on the tense you are keeping the story in.)

    You stated that the moon witnessed the bully beatings at school, wouldn't the moon be shown in the other side of the world since it orbits the earth. "Inside Johnny has a very strong will to live," there was or is. "it's the only thing that have been keeping him alive through all this turmoil." has. "his conscious left him and as his left eye was shutting," closing shut or closed shut (show the action if there is one) "he saw that distorted world one last time as the door he was peeking through finally shut." you've used the same word in this sentence try to refrain from repetition. Being startled from the voice... circled around Johnny looking him up and down.

    I loved it, your sense of imagery has improved, however your mistakes take away from the beauty. You have to be very careful student, there are MANY run-on sentences. You have to put an end to them Other than everything I've already said, I feel like you rushed this and didn't read over your chapter very well before posting. Always re-read your works! Great story none the less and it can go far
     
         

  5. #5
    Previous username: Yama Pleiades's Avatar
    Status
    Pleiades is online now
    Gender
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Location
    My mind: you don't belong here.
    Posts
    27,368
    Post Thanks / Like
    Don't judge my replies or my
    persona, constructed from the
    vibe and perceptions my avatar
    gives you. The contents of my
    reply doesn't represent the
    character in my ava (despite
    its origins), they represent
    the human behind the screen.
     



    Re: Two Worlds; Chapter 1: That Fateful Night

    Quote Originally Posted by ThatOneChick View Post
    You have to be careful Yama, for run-on sentences (you have many!). Punctuation is your friend lol
    Can you start a sentence with but? O.o Also the paragraph that starts with the word but put a period at the end where the first , is. (I would remove the word but as well and just say The.) "and sad for having to go to a family that doesn't care whether he was alive or dead." use another word than sadness, I would use depressed or depression (pending on the tense you are keeping the story in.)

    You stated that the moon witnessed the bully beatings at school, wouldn't the moon be shown in the other side of the world since it orbits the earth. "Inside Johnny has a very strong will to live," there was or is. "it's the only thing that have been keeping him alive through all this turmoil." has. "his conscious left him and as his left eye was shutting," closing shut or closed shut (show the action if there is one) "he saw that distorted world one last time as the door he was peeking through finally shut." you've used the same word in this sentence try to refrain from repetition. Being startled from the voice... circled around Johnny looking him up and down.

    I loved it, your sense of imagery has improved, however your mistakes take away from the beauty. You have to be very careful student, there are MANY run-on sentences. You have to put an end to them Other than everything I've already said, I feel like you rushed this and didn't read over your chapter very well before posting. Always re-read your works! Great story none the less and it can go far


    how did I miss all of this? I have some corrections to make. thank you sensei :D

    though the moon thing is more of a figure of speech, it being the only constant thing Johnny seeing on his bad nights made it feel like it was watching him the whole time.

    I'm glad you liked it, well kinda liked it
     
         

  6. #6
    Fiona Glenanne ThatOneChick's Avatar
    Status
    ThatOneChick is offline
    Gender
    Join Date
    Aug 2011
    Location
    In a dream.
    Posts
    9,071
    Post Thanks / Like
    This user has no status.
     



    Re: Two Worlds; Chapter 1: That Fateful Night

    Quote Originally Posted by Yama View Post
    how did I miss all of this? I have some corrections to make. thank you sensei :D

    though the moon thing is more of a figure of speech, it being the only constant thing Johnny seeing on his bad nights made it feel like it was watching him the whole time.

    I'm glad you liked it, well kinda liked it
    lol I did like it it's a great story plot, just have to be careful.
    We will talk more about it via messenger
     
         

  7. #7
    Zoro..'s Avatar
    Status
    Zoro.. is offline
    Gender
    Join Date
    Nov 2011
    Location
    On my ship
    Posts
    9,669
    Post Thanks / Like
    This user has no status.
     



    Re: Two Worlds; Chapter 1: That Fateful Night

    I loved it ^^ if off to read the next one
     
         

  8. #8
    Previous username: Yama Pleiades's Avatar
    Status
    Pleiades is online now
    Gender
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Location
    My mind: you don't belong here.
    Posts
    27,368
    Post Thanks / Like
    Don't judge my replies or my
    persona, constructed from the
    vibe and perceptions my avatar
    gives you. The contents of my
    reply doesn't represent the
    character in my ava (despite
    its origins), they represent
    the human behind the screen.
     



    Re: Two Worlds; Chapter 1: That Fateful Night

    Quote Originally Posted by Zoro.. View Post
    I loved it ^^ if off to read the next one

    thanks so much, I'm glad you loved it have fun reading the next one :izuna:
     
         

  9. #9
    The Professor Itachi Namikaze's Avatar
    Status
    Itachi Namikaze is offline
    Gender
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Posts
    5,551
    Post Thanks / Like
    This user has no status.
     

    Re: Two Worlds; Chapter 1: That Fateful Night

    This is pretty good! You are very descriptive.

    ThatOneChick is right though, there are a few run-on sentences. Some of them you can scrape by with but too many and your readers react like the first person to post.

    By the way did he die, and is currently in the afterlife? That is what it seems like.
     
         

  10. #10
    Previous username: Yama Pleiades's Avatar
    Status
    Pleiades is online now
    Gender
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Location
    My mind: you don't belong here.
    Posts
    27,368
    Post Thanks / Like
    Don't judge my replies or my
    persona, constructed from the
    vibe and perceptions my avatar
    gives you. The contents of my
    reply doesn't represent the
    character in my ava (despite
    its origins), they represent
    the human behind the screen.
     



    Re: Two Worlds; Chapter 1: That Fateful Night

    Quote Originally Posted by Itachi Namikaze View Post
    This is pretty good! You are very descriptive.

    ThatOneChick is right though, there are a few run-on sentences. Some of them you can scrape by with but too many and your readers react like the first person to post.

    By the way did he die, and is currently in the afterlife? That is what it seems like.

    thanks! I appreciate the feedback

    yeah I'm going to avoid that in future chapters


    nah, he didn't
     
         

  11. #11
    Silent Assassin Zexis's Avatar
    Status
    Zexis is offline
    Gender
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    Posts
    6,612
    Post Thanks / Like
    This user has no status.
     



    Re: Two Worlds; Chapter 1: That Fateful Night

    Looking forward for the later chapters!
     
         

  12. #12
    Previous username: Yama Pleiades's Avatar
    Status
    Pleiades is online now
    Gender
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Location
    My mind: you don't belong here.
    Posts
    27,368
    Post Thanks / Like
    Don't judge my replies or my
    persona, constructed from the
    vibe and perceptions my avatar
    gives you. The contents of my
    reply doesn't represent the
    character in my ava (despite
    its origins), they represent
    the human behind the screen.
     



    Re: Two Worlds; Chapter 1: That Fateful Night

    Quote Originally Posted by Zexis View Post
    Looking forward for the later chapters!
    thanks! I'll get chapter 3 out soon :D
     
         

  13. #13
    Senior Member Anushk's Avatar
    Status
    Anushk is offline
    Gender
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Location
    Lost in my dreams...
    Posts
    6,756
    Post Thanks / Like
    This user has no status.
     

    Re: Two Worlds; Chapter 1: That Fateful Night

    *speechless*... you have an imagination that I couldn.t even dream about...very very nice
     
         

  14. #14
    Previous username: Yama Pleiades's Avatar
    Status
    Pleiades is online now
    Gender
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Location
    My mind: you don't belong here.
    Posts
    27,368
    Post Thanks / Like
    Don't judge my replies or my
    persona, constructed from the
    vibe and perceptions my avatar
    gives you. The contents of my
    reply doesn't represent the
    character in my ava (despite
    its origins), they represent
    the human behind the screen.
     



    Re: Two Worlds; Chapter 1: That Fateful Night

    Quote Originally Posted by Anushk View Post
    *speechless*... you have an imagination that I couldn.t even dream about...very very nice
    Thanks! I'm glad you loved it
     
         

  15. #15
    Nyctophiliac Sinfonia's Avatar
    Status
    Sinfonia is online now
    Gender
    Join Date
    Mar 2012
    Location
    Searching for The Sunless Nether
    Posts
    10,590
    Post Thanks / Like
    And I hold within my hand
    Grains of the golden sand- How
    few! yet how they creep
    through my fingers to the
    deep, While I weep- while I
    weep! O God! can I not grasp
    them with a tighter clasp?
     

    Re: Two Worlds; Chapter 1: That Fateful Night

    the story is a masterpiece, yes you have some grammatical errors but the story is just lovely
     
         

  16. #16
    ★The 15th Sin Of Love★ itachi uchiha fiance's Avatar
    Status
    itachi uchiha fiance is offline
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Location
    On nb
    Posts
    1,404
    Post Thanks / Like
    one can never cross the ocean
    until he have courage to lose
    the sight of the shore
     



    Re: Two Worlds; Chapter 1: That Fateful Night

    u do have some mistakes.but it is really good fic
     
         

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •