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  1. #1
    Writing time~ Netsui's Avatar
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    The Seven Pieces of Fukashigi Chapter 1

    This is one of the new works I've been working on. I'd like to thank Dupa for helping me with the title. ^^ I'd also like to thank those who read Lunar Miku. :D *Took a while to upload it since Tab suddenly went weird.*

    Chapter 1

    There were black clouds in the sky, even though it was daylight. What was happening? Why was the sky black? That was the only thing she could see since her vision was blurry for some unknown reason. She blinked a few times, but her vision wouldn't return to normal.

    “Ayame!” somebody called out to her.

    She woke up panting, and it took her a few minutes to calm down. It was a dream? How was it a dream? The fear was too strong for it to have been a dream. She still felt terrified, even though she woke up. 'What was that dream? My vision wasn't clear, but the feelings were.'

    She heard the usual howling, and she turned around to see two wolves running at her; one was blue and the other was pink.

    “Riha, Yuki! Good morning!” she said cheerfully. “Did you two go hunting yet?”

    The two wolves, for some unknown reason, wouldn't allow her to feed them. They insisted on hunting everyday. She allowed them to hunt, as long as they didn't kill anyone.

    They barked their answer happily. It sounded like they were full. She wanted to watch them hunt, but they went hunting before she woke up.

    “Riha, Yuki. I had a weird dream. It was more like a nightmare to me. The sky was black, and I didn't see any sign of light. I was there, but my vision was too blurry. I was only able to see the black sky. Then I heard someone call my name,” she explained slowly.

    The wolves instantly cried, and rubbed their head against her legs. They were too smart for her. They knew she was terrified, even when she didn't say it. If only she knew what the dream meant. Maybe she wouldn't have been as scared if she knew.

    “I have to forget about that dream now! We have a lot to do today! We're running low on food again,” she said tiredly.

    Everyday she had to go into the forest to gather food. There were plenty of bushes and trees, so she would usually get food from them. If the bushes and trees had nothing on them she would fish for food. She would have to get water from the stream too. 'I hope I'll find a lot of food today. I could use a break for a day.'

    She grabbed the two water buckets and walked out of the hut. The hut was small, but she liked it. There was only one room, but it was big enough for her. In the middle of the hut was the fire and pot, and next to it were the cups and bowls.

    At least the stream was right outside the hut. She didn't have to walk far with the buckets. She placed the buckets in the water, and took them out when they were full. The difference in the weight was incredible, but she got used to it. She had been living like that for three years. The winters were brutal since she couldn't fish, and the food didn't grow during the winter.

    She entered the hut, and placed the buckets on the floor. She looked in the buckets, and it was the first time she realized that she was better off living like that. Everything about her was different. She thought if she lived with other people she wouldn't have been accepted. Her long silver hair scared people away. They called her a demon because of her hair. She was different, so they hated her. They hated her eyes too. They said only a demon could have purple eyes. She tried to reason with them, but they wouldn't listen. So she left her home village to live in the forest. The only thing they found normal about her was her blue blouse, and blue jeans.

    She grabbed four big buckets, and walked out of the hut. She had five buckets, but she wasn't going to fish that day. The other four were for apples, oranges, peaches, and berries. She organized her food by bucket so she wouldn't have to look for a certain food. She only had to search for berries since she placed all berries in the same basket.

    'I should start with the berries first. The bushes are before the trees,' she thought.

    She walked until she reached the bushes, and was happy with what she seen. There were enough berries for at least three days! Maybe she could have that break she wanted.

    She grabbed a basket and examined the berries. Some berries weren't ready to be picked yet, and she had to make sure she recognized the berries. She only picked what she recognized because she didn't want to risk picking a poisonous one.

    That was how she survived all those years, even though she had no knowledge of the plants or food. She didn't get tired of eating the same thing since there were different ways of preparing the food. It was the same way with water. If she got tired of water she made juice from the berries. It was a hard way of life, but she didn't mind. She had Riha and Yuki there to help her. She was glad that they found her after her parents died. She couldn't remember them, but they were still in her heart.

    She put a lid on the basket after she was done picking the berries, and then walked toward the trees. She wouldn't go deep in the forest, so her food supply was limited. She only knew the area around the hut, and she didn't want to get lost, or get attacked by a demon. She was told that her parents were killed by a demon, so she tried to avoid going in the deep part of the forest. Even if Riha and Yuki could fight demons she wouldn't want them to. She was afraid they would get hurt, or killed. They probably hunted demons, which could be why they left early in the morning.

    She finally reached the trees, but there wasn't much. There were no apples, two oranges, and give peaches. It wasn't much, but with all the berries she gathered she could take a break tomorrow! She ran over to the trees and placed a basket in front of each tree, except the apple tree. She first went to the orange tree, and found a branch that would support her weight. She jumped and grabbed the branch, and then flung herself to a higher branch. She was able to climb trees like that since she was little. Nobody else she knew could climb like her, and praised her.

    They praised her until someone linked climbing to demons. Everything she did was somehow linked to demons. When she realized that she left the village.

    She grabbed the two oranges and tossed them into the basket. She then jumped to a lower branch, and then jumped to the ground. That was her way of climbing. She wasn't able to climb normally like other people. She didn't mind though since it was easier for her to grab food.

    She did the same thing with the peach tree, and then put lids on the baskets. She picked up all the baskets and started walking back toward the hut. She would probably have berries since there was more of them. It would be a good idea so she wouldn't run out of fruit. It would probably be a while until the fruit would grow back, so she had to go fishing soon. She hated fish, but she would eat it if she had to.

    She reached the hut, and was greeted by the two wolves. “I found a lot of berries, but we're low on everything else.” She walked in the hut and poured some water into the buckets that had food. She had to clean the food off since she picked them. She was always careful when it came to the food. She didn't want to die because of food. She wanted to have an adventurous life, but there was nothing for her to do. She wanted to leave the forest and see the world.

    She was about to empty the water out of the food buckets, but she stopped. She looked toward the curtain that posed as a door, and then walked outside. She heard something, but nothing was around the hut. The sound had to be somewhere in the forest if she was able to hear it. She had really good hearing, but didn't know how to use it. She noticed her abnormal hearing when she was little. She kept it a secret from the villagers because she didn't want them to call her a demon. She thought it was nothing since her hearing returned to normal, but it changed from normal to abnormal a lot.

    “Riha, Yuki!” she called.

    The wolves came running out, and looked around the area. One of them was growling a little bit while the other one was calmly looking around.

    “It's okay. I'm not in danger,” she said in a soothing voice. “I heard something, and I know your hearing is better than mine. Can you take me to the sound?”

    The wolves barked barked and then ran in the direction of the sound. She instantly ran after them, and she realized it was the path to the food. Why didn't she realize it earlier? It didn't feel like much time passed by since she picked food. Was it too far when she was picking food?

    The wolves stopped where the trees were at. When she caught up with them she saw someone laying against a tree. That was what she heard? She wasted her time just to find a human.

    She looked at the human, and then nearly screamed. He wasn't a human! Fear instantly took over and she wanted to run away, but she couldn't run. She didn't want to die by a demon! “A demon!”
     
         

  2. #2
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    Re: The Seven Pieces of Fukashigi Chapter 1

    Splendid

    (Good job Dupa,so creative!)
     
         

  3. #3
    Writing time~ Netsui's Avatar
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    Re: The Seven Pieces of Fukashigi Chapter 1

    Quote Originally Posted by wannabebetter View Post
    Splendid

    (Good job Dupa,so creative!)
    Thanks ^^ And I just realized I forgot to link you to it. I'll link you to chapter 2 when I upload it. Which might be a while lol. :D
     
         

  4. #4
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    Re: The Seven Pieces of Fukashigi Chapter 1

    great first chapter, excellent writing as always
     
         

  5. #5
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    Re: The Seven Pieces of Fukashigi Chapter 1

    Beautiful writing! I loved it! haha, keep up the good work! I want to read more! haha
    I could honestly see this being a manga, haha. I saw the characters, and the demon, along with everything else be in a Manga Format, haha
     
         

  6. #6
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    Re: The Seven Pieces of Fukashigi Chapter 1

    Quote Originally Posted by Netsui View Post
    Thanks ^^ And I just realized I forgot to link you to it. I'll link you to chapter 2 when I upload it. Which might be a while lol. :D
    No problem at all!
     
         

  7. #7
    Writing time~ Netsui's Avatar
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    Re: The Seven Pieces of Fukashigi Chapter 1

    Quote Originally Posted by yama View Post
    great first chapter, excellent writing as always
    Quote Originally Posted by King Volcano View Post
    Beautiful writing! I loved it! haha, keep up the good work! I want to read more! haha
    I could honestly see this being a manga, haha. I saw the characters, and the demon, along with everything else be in a Manga Format, haha
    Thanks. I still have to start chapter 2 since I basically went to bed shortly after uploading chapter 1.
     
         

  8. #8
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    Re: The Seven Pieces of Fukashigi Chapter 1

    This is good, to a certain extend.
    How old are you and what rating did you intend to give this story? This is a K+ rated story, in my oppinion. It's fluffy and childish, filled with illogical villagers who hates everything that is different, and different/abnormal people who overcome the hardships they face and lives happily ever after.
    Honestly, this is a sotry meant for casual reading, for there are plotholes and mistakes, but the overall impression is safe and comfy.
    I would advice you to work on your descriptions, they breathe life into your characters. How long is her hair? Is it messy, wild, curly? You have an infinite amount of options in fornt of you, but you have to pick at least one.
    Overall this seems to be a pink, fluffy story, it will get far if you give it an extra inch and choose your audience before writing.
    Good luck to you ^^
     
         

  9. #9
    Writing time~ Netsui's Avatar
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    Re: The Seven Pieces of Fukashigi Chapter 1

    Quote Originally Posted by Zero Kelvin View Post
    This is good, to a certain extend.
    How old are you and what rating did you intend to give this story? This is a K+ rated story, in my oppinion. It's fluffy and childish, filled with illogical villagers who hates everything that is different, and different/abnormal people who overcome the hardships they face and lives happily ever after.
    Honestly, this is a sotry meant for casual reading, for there are plotholes and mistakes, but the overall impression is safe and comfy.
    I would advice you to work on your descriptions, they breathe life into your characters. How long is her hair? Is it messy, wild, curly? You have an infinite amount of options in fornt of you, but you have to pick at least one.
    Overall this seems to be a pink, fluffy story, it will get far if you give it an extra inch and choose your audience before writing.
    Good luck to you ^^
    I'm actually 17 turning 18, and thanks for the advice. I know it's childish, my nieces tend to read it when I'm not in the room so I have to make it kind of their age appropriate.
     
         

  10. #10
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    Re: The Seven Pieces of Fukashigi Chapter 1

    Quote Originally Posted by Netsui View Post
    I'm actually 17 turning 18, and thanks for the advice. I know it's childish, my nieces tend to read it when I'm not in the room so I have to make it kind of their age appropriate.
    Cool. There's nothing wrong with writing childish stories, especially in your situation, but they just have to be made a bit differently In my oppinion, of course. It's a job well done in any case! ^^
     
         

  11. #11
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    Re: The Seven Pieces of Fukashigi Chapter 1

    Quote Originally Posted by Zero Kelvin View Post
    Cool. There's nothing wrong with writing childish stories, especially in your situation, but they just have to be made a bit differently In my oppinion, of course. It's a job well done in any case! ^^
    Thanks. ^^ And describing people is always something that I get lazy on lol.
     
         

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    Re: The Seven Pieces of Fukashigi Chapter 1

    nice chapter keep up the good work
     
         

  13. #13
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    Re: The Seven Pieces of Fukashigi Chapter 1

    I really like this story, the genre is interesting to me, for some reason it reminds me of Inuyasha. I've only read this chapter but I like where it's going.

    There are a few things, you're a little repetative on the emphasis of her being compared to a demon by the villagers, I understand that it's a strong emphasis in the story, and I can suspect that the situation about why she's so ostricized will arise soon but you have the narrator reiterate quite a few times about how the villagers orstricize her, however a method you should explore to emphisise this more would be to actually show the villagers actually saying/doing things to her that would suggest. Actions speak louder then words, although a story is all words you get my point .

    Another thing, the narration in general, I truely like how you have the narrator as an interactive one with the story and have it so the narration speaks to the audience as if they were having a conversation.

    I feel you reveal too much about the past actions in her life by having the narrator dictate everything such as her being orstricze because of her hair and eyes, how climbing was associated with demons, her parents being killed. Especially with the parent's thing, unless it's not a large part of the story (which I'm sure it is a large part) then that would be a detail you'd leave for later.

    I feel when narrating a story such as this, having actions take place like villagers mocking her or doing the throwing/doing stuff to her, showing her obvious sadness, and having it recall on specific events instad of talking about vauge occurances without much in depth detail would get a stronger message across rather then the narrator simply telling the audience what has happened to her, what people see in her or whatever. Actually reading about what people do or say to her may have more of an impact for people reading as they may be critizied by people for somthing or they could just sympethize with the character. Like I said, actions speak louder then words and people have more sympethies and emotion and are more involved with a story when they actually see (read actions taken onto the protagonist in this case) being done to somebody rather then just hearing about them.

    I feel that you have a strong plot foundation working here, although this is only the first chapter. I shamefully admit that I haven't read your Lunar Miku stories although if I ever have time I'll go back to them. I can't wait to see how these chapters unfold and I'm very interested in the plot most of all.
     
         

  14. #14
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    Re: The Seven Pieces of Fukashigi Chapter 1

    Can't believe I haven't heard about this story before. It's great
     
         

  15. #15
    Writing time~ Netsui's Avatar
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    Re: The Seven Pieces of Fukashigi Chapter 1

    Quote Originally Posted by Chakra Wizard View Post
    Can't believe I haven't heard about this story before. It's great
    I'm actually planning on completely rewriting this... I'm glad you liked it, though.
     
         

  16. #16
    Senior Member Chakra Wizard's Avatar
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    Re: The Seven Pieces of Fukashigi Chapter 1

    Quote Originally Posted by Netsui View Post
    I'm actually planning on completely rewriting this... I'm glad you liked it, though.
    Well, that's great. Improve whatever, whenever lol
     
         

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