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  1. #1
    Senior Member aradmehr's Avatar
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    the story of a boy name'd Hasan(part two)

    The story of a boy named Hassan(part two)
    They spared Hassan because he was a kid.

    Hasan: MOTHEEEEER!FATHEEEER!

    From then on,he lived his life for revenge.Vengeance,kill and kill,this was all that was in the boys mind.he wanted to be trained in the martial arts,so he went to Omar,a sensei in karate and self defense.

    Hassan: Asalamo alaykom.

    Omar: Asalam,Hassan is that you?Why do you have blood on your clothes?Were is Husein?he must see this.

    -They....they..*he talked while crying*

    -They?!Who?What has happened?

    -They killed mother and father.

    Omar: WHAT?!Who did?

    -Oghab seyah.

    -*thinks to self*(i knew this would happen)So i suppose you being here can mean two things.1: For me to report to the police 2: You want me to shelter you.well i will shelter you don't wor--

    Hassan: NO.I want you to train me in the martial arts.

    Omar: Are you sure son?

    -Yes uncle.

    -Very well,i am not sure i can help much but i will do my best.

    -Thank you uncle.

    -You can always count on me(he has got his bravery from Husein).

    Tomorrow morning the training begins

    Omar: Are you ready?

    Hassan: Yes uncle.

    -Very well,i want you to kick me as hard as you can.

    -*kicks*

    -*grabs foot then does a leg sweep*

    Hassan: You're good uncle

    Omar: Aah,i have a bit left in these bones.Now try to do that to me.

    -Ok

    -*kicks*

    -*grabs foot*

    -*kicks with the other foot,throwing him away*Now remember their is always a counter.

    -Yes

    The training continues for 1 hour.

    Hassan: This sure is tiring.

    Omar: If you want to master karate,you have to work for a long time,you cannot master it in 1 day.Now how about a break?Lets go to my favorite restaurant.

    -Ok.

    -The food here is good huh?

    Hassan: Yes it sure is.....

    Omar: Yeah well...Whats wrong?

    -When you said i must practice karate for a long time,how long will it take because i cannot give them the opportunity to attack us again.And i cannot wait forever to get my revenge!

    -(he sure is impatient)Haste makes waste Hassan,you cannot hesitate for your revenge

    -WHAT IF THEY GET AWAY?!I...i cannot let that happen

    Omar: Hassan,your just a kid,and who do you think your up against?A bunch of 10 year old's?Only self defense is not enough against them.Even if you master it.You must be trained with weapons as well.

    Hassan:.......At this rate il never get them,i CANNOT LET SOMEONE WHO KILLED MY PARENTS GET AWAY!

    -Calm down,this is a public place,we'll talk further in my house.

    They go to Omar's house.
    Omar: Alright,so you want to take revenge right?I understand,it only natural,but i cannot let your foolishness kill you.*suddenly remembers*

    Husein: Omar

    Omar: Yes brother.

    Husein: I don't know how long it will take before ale's men come to our house,i heard they will take 50% tax for the money they lend,no matter what i do,i cannot get that money,especially in these times of war that everyone either has money or dies,so if anything was to happen to me,i want you to protect Hassan,he is foolish,he will just go seeking revenge and will get killed,however now matter what we do,we cannot change his mind so i want you to train him to decrease the possibility of that he will get killed.

    Omar: But why wont you flee to another country?

    -That would make it worst,they can track me all over the world and in that case,they probably kill Hassan too.

    Omar: Ok,i will.(brother)

    Husein: Do you swear?

    -I swear.

    Hassan: Father,could you come here a minute?

    Husein: Coming,i trust you,brother

    Omar: Do not worry brother.

    (I must protect him,no matter what happens)

    Hassan: What happened uncle?You suddenly got quiet.

    Omar: Huh?oh,nothing.

    -?? I'm not stupid uncle,i know you remembered something,why cant you tell me?

    -As i said,i wasn't thinking of anything,just a little tired from the training.

    Hassan: You should rest a little.

    Omar: Yes,i agree,you should rest too.

    -Ok uncle,I'll see you tomorrow then.

    -Ok,good night.

    Omar: What if something happens to him?no,if they attacked their house and spared him..! What if they spared him to find my location?I must tell the others,but for now I'd better sleep,I'll go to their houses tomorrow.

    Hassan: Uncle,uncle wake up

    Omar:*slowly opens eyes*What is it?

    -There is a man wanting to talk to you.

    -?!Hassan,go to your room and lock the door,if you hear any suspicious sound,jump out the window,GO!

    Hassan: (what could be going on?)

    Omar:*opens the door*Hamid??

    Hamid: Come with me,we need to talk in private.

    They go to Hamid's house then all of the men of the neighborhood were there.

    Omar: ?!What's going on here?

    Asghar: Last night we saw a member of oghab seyah by your window wanting to get in and we spotted him and killed him without you noticing because we didn't want Hassan to get scared.But we though you needed to know.

    Omar: Our lives are in danger,from now even yours because you killed a member of that group,we can only survive if we work together!

    Mohammad: Agreed.

    Asghar: But what about Hassan?

    Omar: Yes about that,Reza,Porroshan,i want you to train him.

    Reza and Porroshan: You can count on us.

    (the next chapter will take place in Hassan's 30's)


    TO BE CONTINUED.
     
         
    Last edited by aradmehr; 11-26-2011 at 11:17 AM.

  2. #2
    Senior Member aradmehr's Avatar
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    Re: the story of a boy name'd Hasan(part two)

    as i said i am not from pakistan,i studied their culture for a year so please dont ask.
    i though i should know about one of the country's in asia so i picked Pakistan
     
         
    Last edited by aradmehr; 11-25-2011 at 07:13 AM.

  3. #3
    Senior Member -S-'s Avatar
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    Re: the story of a boy name'd Hasan(part two)

    wutdafuk
     
         

  4. #4
    Senior Member aradmehr's Avatar
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    Re: the story of a boy name'd Hasan(part two)

    Quote Originally Posted by SM96UK View Post
    wutdafuk
    ???
     
         

  5. #5
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    Re: the story of a boy name'd Hasan(part two)

    ...........
     
         

  6. #6
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    Re: the story of a boy name'd Hasan(part two)

    A lot of errors my friend

    hard to follow.
     
         

  7. #7
    Senior Member aradmehr's Avatar
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    Re: the story of a boy name'd Hasan(part two)

    Quote Originally Posted by Reborn View Post
    A lot of errors my friend

    hard to follow.
    like what?can you tell me?
     
         

  8. #8
    Reborn's Avatar
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    Re: the story of a boy name'd Hasan(part two)

    Quote Originally Posted by aradmehr View Post
    like what?can you tell me?
    It's all over I'm afraid it would take me too long to point them all out.

    There are a lot of places where there is no spacing between punctuation. There are a lot of unnecissary punctuation. The dialouge is hard to follow as you don't clarrify who's speaking when. It's all cluttered together too, there are no separations in paragraphs to distinquish what aspect of the story you're focusing on.

    Those are where most of the problems are.
     
         

  9. #9
    Senior Member aradmehr's Avatar
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    Re: the story of a boy name'd Hasan(part two)

    Quote Originally Posted by Reborn View Post
    It's all over I'm afraid it would take me too long to point them all out.

    There are a lot of places where there is no spacing between punctuation. There are a lot of unnecissary punctuation. The dialouge is hard to follow as you don't clarrify who's speaking when. It's all cluttered together too, there are no separations in paragraphs to distinquish what aspect of the story you're focusing on.

    Those are where most of the problems are.
    ooooh,thanks,il work on fixing them
     
         

  10. #10
    Reborn's Avatar
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    Re: the story of a boy name'd Hasan(part two)

    No problem.
     
         

  11. #11
    Senior Member aradmehr's Avatar
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    Re: the story of a boy name'd Hasan(part two)

    dont go too hard on me,this is just my first one.and i worked hard on it.
     
         

  12. #12
    ♪♫ Music is my life ♪♫ ~Mara~'s Avatar
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    Re: the story of a boy name'd Hasan(part two)

    mmm I see that all the names are for Arabs
     
         

  13. #13
    Senior Member aradmehr's Avatar
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    Re: the story of a boy name'd Hasan(part two)

    Quote Originally Posted by Caaandy View Post
    mmm I see that all the names are for Arabs
    yeah,it took me like i week to get these names
     
         

  14. #14
    Member ElricBrothers's Avatar
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    Re: the story of a boy name'd Hasan(part two)

    Quote Originally Posted by Reborn View Post
    It's all over I'm afraid it would take me too long to point them all out.

    There are a lot of places where there is no spacing between punctuation. There are a lot of unnecissary punctuation. The dialouge is hard to follow as you don't clarrify who's speaking when. It's all cluttered together too, there are no separations in paragraphs to distinquish what aspect of the story you're focusing on.

    Those are where most of the problems are.
    Quote Originally Posted by aradmehr View Post
    yeah,it took me like i week to get these names
    Better than the prologue but as Reborn mentions it's like a whirlwind ravaged over your text.

    Thumbs up for your intentions mate! Good to hear you investigated your background, information and happenings of the places and people you write about.
     
         

  15. #15
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    Re: the story of a boy name'd Hasan(part two)

    I know this is old, but in an Islamic country a person would respond to ''Asalmu Alaikum'' with a ''Walaikuma Salam'' rather than ''Asalam''

    Just saying Good chapter though
     
         

  16. #16
    Senior Member aradmehr's Avatar
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    Re: the story of a boy name'd Hasan(part two)

    Quote Originally Posted by Dawan View Post
    I know this is old, but in an Islamic country a person would respond to ''Asalmu Alaikum'' with a ''Walaikuma Salam'' rather than ''Asalam''

    Just saying Good chapter though
    ,thanks.
     
         

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