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  1. #1
    Foolish Member Train's Avatar
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    Hero -1

    For those who are reading my other fic, Towards Finality; I'm unsatisfied with the 8th chapter I've written, so there's going to be a slight delay in the release.

    About this fic - I originally planned to explain the setting and atmosphere, but I think I'll just let the chapters unravel it themselves. Read!


    Eh, I'm not an expert writer; I fear there might be a lot of errors in this chapter. Please, tell me if there are any. Thanks!
    Prologue

    -------------------------------------------------------------

    Rebirth


    Even if it meant that I would die, I would still jump.

    Better to die as a free man, than to live enslaved by the ones who have swallowed the chains of fate that ensnare me.
    My death would be my first breath of life. A life of my own making.
    Solely, my own.

    These were the thoughts that raced through my mind, as I stood at the edge of the grassy cliff. The whirling wind blew viciously at me, ruffling the silky stands of my silvery hair. Large blades of grass swayed at my knees. I lifted my head upwards; my grey eyes stole a glance at the endless sky above. It consisted of angry, storm-grey clouds.
    A storm is coming.

    I scanned the area behind me, giving the thick forest nearby a quick, calculating look.
    Good. This will delay my pursuers.
    I turned back around to face the edge of the cliff in front of me. And to face my pressing decision. Across from the cliff was a great mountainous rock. A roaring waterfall gushed along it, pouring white, frothy water below onto a river flowing at dangerous currents. My eyes followed the cascading water.
    It’s a long way down.

    The river would surely swallow me. My body was weak, my bones were tired. Earlier, I had played a bit too much with the enemy. Could I survive such a jump?

    But did it really matter, whether I survived?

    As long as I would be free.

    “There he is!!”

    I whipped around at the sound of the voice, cursing myself for wearing such a dark, noticeable cloak. Shadows lurked near the trees.
    One, two, three; three shinobi, four meters away. But they were quickly closing in the distance, sprinting towards me.

    All of a sudden, the air between us was filled with a burst of black stars; a mass of deadly shuriken showered around me.

    Pitiful.

    I unsheathed the thin sword strapped at my waist and with deafening clangs blocked each of the shuriken that came my way. My three pursuers, clad top to bottom in pure black, began to surround me, swiftly weaving hand signs.

    A threesome technique?

    Suddenly, the air around me began to blur with a faded purplish haze.

    A barrier!

    Sheathing my sword, I weaved my own seals and gathered chakra into my hands and arms as the purple air around me began to solidify. My arms and hands began to burn hot with the energy, and begun to glow a bluish white. I struck my hands upon the earth and strikes of lightning suddenly burst forth from my palms, traveling along the soil and shattering the barrier into pieces. Shards of faint purple dissipated within the air, as the lightening snaked towards each of the three shinobi's feet, stunning them.

    At the sound of their shrill screams, I quickly stopped gathering energy and the lightning vanished as quickly as it had appeared. I looked to my enemy; each body was unconscious. A closer look told me they were still breathing. I gave a sigh of relief.

    It’s still such a pain, to knock enemies out without killing them. However, the brawl had exhausted whatever strength I had left.

    My ears twitched. I could hear muffled voices in the distance, deep within the forest. Reinforcements. I stepped once again towards the cliff. I looked down, taking a deep breath.

    So, do I jump to my death?

    Right then the great sky had rumbled; tiny droplets of cold rain began to fall towards the earth, tickling my face and hands.

    Rain. How ironic.

    Long ago it was rain that had defined the foundation of my enslaved life. Now it comes as well to define my death.
    Muffled footsteps were drawing near.

    Jump?

    I glanced cautiously behind me. Another group of shinobi gliding towards me. I was too tired to count. Too tired to fight. I faced the cliff yet again. I had to jump. But it was a long way down…

    Jump!!

    I inwardly screamed at my body to make it move; but fear kept it still.

    This is my only path to freedom. The only way I’ll have an opportunity to truly live!!

    And so I chose life. Under the pretext of death.
    I jumped.
    -------------------------------------------------------------

    Does this story sound interesting, or...?
     
         
    Last edited by Train; 10-25-2011 at 02:19 AM.

  2. #2
    Member Cooldragon's Avatar
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    Re: Hero -1

    Good.
    Looking forward to whether he survives or not.
     
         

  3. #3
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    Re: Hero -1

    Does this story sound interesting
    Not in the slightest, I'm appauled...I'm appauled at the excellent grammer, in depth descriptions which portray the struggle the character is going through internally. This chapter is so well written: with a deep mystery surrounding the circumstances of the setting and the internal chracter conflict which implies the dynamics of the character. It's so well written it makes me sick...
    ---------------------------------------------------------------
    As usual Train you write a hell of a peice. I'll try and single out specific peices that I liked over the others (I like the chapter in it's entirty but this is for analysis sake)

    Better to die as a free man, than to live enslaved by the ones who have swallowed the chains of fate that ensnare me
    Great opening to this first chapter, not only do you revert this from a narrative (in the prologue) to a first person (in this chapter) but you open it strong. Immediently I invisioned a sort of "rouge" or a character that was unsatisffied with the status quo or the organization of society. Your character was contemplating death as a means of freedom from, whatever bondage he saw himself previously in. If you think about it, that's how a lot of rebels (rouge shinobi in the Narutoverse) are. They don't agree with the status or system put down and they either break from it willingly, or hide from it and remain secretive until they're found our and expelled (in the narutoverse the latter would apply to Orochimaru). Some are the exceptions, meaning they never get caught (Danzo). However with your character I get a sort of feeling that, whatever situation he was in he broke from it willingly (this is my assumption, let me know if I'm close)

    A closer look told me they were still breathing. I gave a sigh of relief.

    It’s still such a pain, to knock enemies out without killing them
    In addition to my earlier statement (claim) about your character's break from the structured society of which he felt had a level of bondage to him I say: this quoted section here demonstrates a break from society but with the respect of others who do wish to live by the rules he couldn't live by. What I mean is, he broke away for his own personal reasons, but doesn't ridicule those who wish to remain in their positions. Again I would say this resembles Orochimaru, he made his break for his own reasons (immortality, and the pursuit of all jutsu in existance). Orochimaru's desire of conquest of Konoha was out of revenge, not so much for the willingness to change the minds of others. I actually saw Orochimaru as a man, content with his life and his goals solitarily. Although he abused and tortured countless many, it pertained to his level of mind for his ideals...However I'm going to stay away from that so it doesn't appear I'm calling your character an Orochimaru like character (which isn't what I'm doing at all). This chracter shows a more resemblance to Itachi actually. The pacifism (unwanting to kill/severly harm others) and general concern for the lives of others...I actually see your character more as an Itachi character....

    These are just my analysis of the chracter (we're doing this in school with a book we just finished so I'm practicing on other things [i.e this] so I can prepare myself sort of)...now for the things that I just loved about this

    Everything


    Nice job as usual Train, looking forward to the next chapter
     
         

  4. #4
    Foolish Member Train's Avatar
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    Re: Hero -1

    Quote Originally Posted by Cooldragon View Post
    Good.
    Looking forward to whether he survives or not.
    Thanks! Let's hope I don't procrastinate in updating, otherwise, you won't see anytime soon. >.>'
    I already know what I'm planning for second chapter though; just have to actually write it. And come up with some names.

    Quote Originally Posted by Reborn View Post
    This chapter is so well written: with a deep mystery surrounding the circumstances of the setting and the internal chracter conflict which implies the dynamics of the character.

    *Throws fists in the air* Success!!

    Most of your guesses were correct. Which means that, I was able to successfully express what I wanted to in the writing, or, your just pretty good at interpreting. Or both. Or, it could be that my writing isn't as complex as other great authors out there, which means that its easy to read/interpret. Who knows.

    I'll start by bolding the parts where you were accurate:

    Quote Originally Posted by Reborn View Post
    Great opening to this first chapter, not only do you revert this from a narrative (in the prologue) to a first person (in this chapter) but you open it strong. Immediently I invisioned a sort of "rouge" or a character that was unsatisffied with the status quo or the organization of society. Your character was contemplating death as a means of freedom from, whatever bondage he saw himself previously in. If you think about it, that's how a lot of rebels (rouge shinobi in the Narutoverse) are. They don't agree with the status or system put down and they either break from it willingly, or hide from it and remain secretive until they're found our and expelled (in the narutoverse the latter would apply to Orochimaru). Some are the exceptions, meaning they never get caught (Danzo). However with your character I get a sort of feeling that, whatever situation he was in he broke from it willingly (this is my assumption, let me know if I'm close)


    In addition to my earlier statement (claim) about your character's break from the structured society of which he felt had a level of bondage to him I say: this quoted section here demonstrates a break from society but with the respect of others who do wish to live by the rules he couldn't live by. What I mean is, he broke away for his own personal reasons, but doesn't ridicule those who wish to remain in their positions. Again I would say this resembles Orochimaru, he made his break for his own reasons (immortality, and the pursuit of all jutsu in existance). Orochimaru's desire of conquest of Konoha was out of revenge, not so much for the willingness to change the minds of others. I actually saw Orochimaru as a man, content with his life and his goals solitarily. Although he abused and tortured countless many, it pertained to his level of mind for his ideals...However I'm going to stay away from that so it doesn't appear I'm calling your character an Orochimaru like character (which isn't what I'm doing at all). This chracter shows a more resemblance to Itachi actually. The pacifism (unwanting to kill/severly harm others) and general concern for the lives of others...I actually see your character more as an Itachi character....
    Eh, about the first sentence you quoted - I'm glad you liked it. I was afraid it was a sort of run-on sentence; it feels like a mouthful by the time you reach the last word. (I kept repeating it to myself >.>').
    You were right so far, about how this character has broken willingly away from a sort of organization / society, because he was unsatisfied with it.

    For what you said about the second statement; I'm just going to clarify it because I felt a little unclear with what you said about it. Yes, this character was unwilling to hurt others, and is sort of a pacifist, but...
    "It's still such a pain, to knock enemies out without killing them"
    I wasn't sure if it would be interpreted this way, but I tried to make this statement explain that upon facing an enemy, he usually killed/was used to killing. (I guess that might sound weird, since I just said that he's sort of a pacifist).

    Want to take a wild guess at this character's name? I've mentioned it already in this chapter, but very indirectly; readers wouldn't notice. (They aren't supposed to). It's unusual; I'm not sure it even has any significance yet. >__>"

    Thanks for reading + reviewing.

    EDIT - Forgot to ask - how was the small fight in the chapter? Did it make sense >.< ?
     
         
    Last edited by Train; 10-26-2011 at 08:53 PM.

  5. #5
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    Re: Hero -1

    Quote Originally Posted by Train View Post


    Thanks! Let's hope I don't procrastinate in updating, otherwise, you won't see anytime soon. >.>'
    I already know what I'm planning for second chapter though; just have to actually write it. And come up with some names.




    *Throws fists in the air* Success!!

    Most of your guesses were correct. Which means that, I was able to successfully express what I wanted to in the writing, or, your just pretty good at interpreting. Or both. Or, it could be that my writing isn't as complex as other great authors out there, which means that its easy to read/interpret. Who knows.

    I'll start by bolding the parts where you were accurate:



    Eh, about the first sentence you quoted - I'm glad you liked it. I was afraid it was a sort of run-on sentence; it feels like a mouthful by the time you reach the last word. (I kept repeating it to myself >.>').
    You were right so far, about how this character has broken willingly away from a sort of organization / society, because he was unsatisfied with it.

    For what you said about the second statement; I'm just going to clarify it because I felt a little unclear with what you said about it. Yes, this character was unwilling to hurt others, and is sort of a pacifist, but...
    "It's still such a pain, to knock enemies out without killing them"
    I wasn't sure if it would be interpreted this way, but I tried to make this statement explain that upon facing an enemy, he usually killed/was used to killing. (I guess that might sound weird, since I just said that he's sort of a pacifist).

    Want to take a wild guess at this character's name? I've mentioned it already in this chapter, but very indirectly; readers wouldn't notice. (They aren't supposed to). It's unusual; I'm not sure it even has any significance yet. >__>"

    Thanks for reading + reviewing.

    EDIT - Forgot to ask - how was the small fight in the chapter? Did it make sense >.< ?
    For the name...Hero? Idk I have no idea really

    I liked everything about this chapter, including the fight. I don't really have anything else to say really
     
         

  6. #6
    Member Cooldragon's Avatar
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    Re: Hero -1

    Quote Originally Posted by Train View Post


    Thanks! Let's hope I don't procrastinate in updating, otherwise, you won't see anytime soon. >.>'
    I already know what I'm planning for second chapter though; just have to actually write it. And come up with some names.




    *Throws fists in the air* Success!!

    Most of your guesses were correct. Which means that, I was able to successfully express what I wanted to in the writing, or, your just pretty good at interpreting. Or both. Or, it could be that my writing isn't as complex as other great authors out there, which means that its easy to read/interpret. Who knows.

    I'll start by bolding the parts where you were accurate:



    Eh, about the first sentence you quoted - I'm glad you liked it. I was afraid it was a sort of run-on sentence; it feels like a mouthful by the time you reach the last word. (I kept repeating it to myself >.>').
    You were right so far, about how this character has broken willingly away from a sort of organization / society, because he was unsatisfied with it.

    For what you said about the second statement; I'm just going to clarify it because I felt a little unclear with what you said about it. Yes, this character was unwilling to hurt others, and is sort of a pacifist, but...
    "It's still such a pain, to knock enemies out without killing them"
    I wasn't sure if it would be interpreted this way, but I tried to make this statement explain that upon facing an enemy, he usually killed/was used to killing. (I guess that might sound weird, since I just said that he's sort of a pacifist).

    Want to take a wild guess at this character's name? I've mentioned it already in this chapter, but very indirectly; readers wouldn't notice. (They aren't supposed to). It's unusual; I'm not sure it even has any significance yet. >__>"

    Thanks for reading + reviewing.

    EDIT - Forgot to ask - how was the small fight in the chapter? Did it make sense >.< ?
    I wished you hadn't said that. >.<
    Now I'll scan the whole chapter to find any name that makes sense. Probably'll visit this section a lot.
    New Record!!
     
         

  7. #7
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    Re: Hero -1

    It's the weirdest thing. I'm a huge fan of Kakashi.. Kakashi Is a big fan of fiction. But I guess I'm not like Kakashi in this aspect. I'm not a fan of fanfiction lol. But still REP+ I know you put alot of work in it. It's almost poetic. I'm just lazy and don't wanna read it all.
     
         

  8. #8
    Foolish Member Train's Avatar
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    Re: Hero -1

    Quote Originally Posted by Reborn View Post
    For the name...Hero? Idk I have no idea really

    I liked everything about this chapter, including the fight. I don't really have anything else to say really
    Nah, you'll know his name by the fourth chapter though (I think 0.o).
    Nice guess though. >__<
    Thanks again for reviewing - Reviews = gold.
    Quote Originally Posted by Cooldragon View Post
    I wished you hadn't said that. >.<
    Now I'll scan the whole chapter to find any name that makes sense. Probably'll visit this section a lot.
    New Record!!
    Nyahaha
    Well, if you really do scan the whole page, I fear you might find his name (when I start using it) a disappointment.

    Quote Originally Posted by Kakashi42 View Post
    It's the weirdest thing. I'm a huge fan of Kakashi.. Kakashi Is a big fan of fiction. But I guess I'm not like Kakashi in this aspect. I'm not a fan of fanfiction lol. But still REP+ I know you put alot of work in it. It's almost poetic. I'm just lazy and don't wanna read it all.
    Finish reading.
    lol, well, I'm glad I got a person not into fan fiction to actually read some of this.
    "Almost poetic" - Whoa, really? Thank you. That cheered me. >.<
     
         

  9. #9
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    Re: Hero -1

    I figured out his name

    It was so obvious
    It's...
    I HAVE NO CLUE, TELL ME I HATE SUSPENCE! *sigh* I'll try to find it again somewhere before chap 4
     
         

  10. #10
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    Re: Hero -1

    Good work train as usual.and do have a look at my latest chap i want to have ur opinion at it
     
         

  11. #11
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    Re: Hero -1

    Quote Originally Posted by Train View Post


    Nyahaha
    Well, if you really do scan the whole page, I fear you might find his name (when I start using it) a disappointment
    .

    Oh. Will you be using it next chapter?
     
         

  12. #12
    Foolish Member Train's Avatar
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    Re: Hero -1

    Quote Originally Posted by naruto kyuubi View Post
    Good work train as usual.and do have a look at my latest chap i want to have ur opinion at it
    Thanks, and will do. : ]

    Quote Originally Posted by Cooldragon View Post
    Oh. Will you be using it next chapter?
    Nope. At least, I don't think so. I've written like half of it; and I need to re-edit what I wrote a ton of times. >.>'
    But yeah - his name won't appear there. If you have any guesses lemme know.
     
         

  13. #13
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    Re: Hero -1

    Quote Originally Posted by Train View Post
    Thanks, and will do. : ]



    Nope. At least, I don't think so. I've written like half of it; and I need to re-edit what I wrote a ton of times. >.>'
    But yeah - his name won't appear there. If you have any guesses lemme know.
    I already guessed his name right so I have closure:P
     
         

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